This holiday season the power of Christ impales you — again!
If watching the same Christmas movies year in and year out is starting to lose its appeal you should know that the Plaza Theatre is planning something special. Yes it’s another chance to catch the legendary Ottawa-filmed cult classic Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter on the big screen. Wish Jesus a happy birthday by cheering him on as he kick-boxes some lesbian vampires!
This is a perfect opportunity to start a new Christmas viewing tradition. It’s also an opportunity for me to recycle old material since I reviewed JCVH seven years ago. Take it away me-from-2001!
I just love telling people that movies like Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter exist. The look of slack-jawed disbelief on someone’s face is even more satisfying than reliving the whole brain-bending experience through summarization. "You’ve gotta be making this up" people say when I tell them about the Son of God’s kick-boxing antics. But no — somebody else made this stuff up and more importantly filmed it.
It seems that there’s a plague of lesbian vampires on the loose. The insane Dr. Praetorious (Josh Grace) has successfully found a way to use the skin of lesbians to counteract a vampire’s natural aversion to sunlight. Naturally there’s only one guy who can save us now: that’s right it’s JCVH (Phil Caracas)! We first catch up with the Son of God as He’s fighting a gang of Sapphic bloodsuckers on the beach ("Father Eustace! Bless the water!" He yells while swinging a heavily mascaraed goth chick around like a hammer throw. Splash! Ssssss!). Having established that the Saviour is back and kicking vampire ass the Big J gets a haircut and a shave pierces His ears and struts down the street like Shaft. The Second Coming turns into a full-blown song-and-dance number with dozens of the faithful bopping and cheering while a little tyke hands Jesus a skateboard to zip around on.
After being hassled by six jeeploads of kung fu atheists Christ joins forces with sexy gun-toting lesbian Mary Magnum (Maria Moulton). Together they buy Jesus some new clothes before infiltrating Dr. P’s lair. After this first unsuccessful attack leaves Him wounded and without a partner Jesus mopes around in a local Hooters-style restaurant trying to collect His thoughts. At this moment when Christ is without allies and racked with doubt His ice cream sundae begins speaking to Him. ("Oh hi Dad" Jesus replies.) That’s right gentle readers — the Creator offers solace and wisdom to His only begotten son though the medium of a talking dessert giving JC the support He needs to save the day. ("Oh and son? Call your mother some time. She worries.")
Jesus needs help for the job ahead and His next ally turns out to be none other than legendary Mexican wrestling superstar El Santo. Big burly and virtuous the silver-masked grappler (played by Jeff Moffet) and the Saviour of Souls make the ideal tag team in the battle against evil. (You won’t even mind that the big guy’s name has been inexplicably pluralized as "Santos" throughout the picture.) Santo offers moral as well as physical support to the Guy Who Died For Our Sins while expressing himself with a non-stop stream of wrestling metaphors. (Smitten with a bull dyke in a nightclub he tells her "You have pinned my heart to the mat." Fortunately for the big lug the line actually works.)
There’s lots more and I don’t want to give away every surprise but I will reveal that during the climactic showdown Jesus bilocates so that he can battle Dr. Praetorious in his lab while simultaneously kick-boxing vampires in a junkyard several miles away!
So is this a flick you should see? Not if your tastes are mainstream not if you’re homophobic or squeamish and definitely not if you’re the judgmental type who uses religion to make other people wrong. Those who never see bad movies on purpose should stay home too. However if you’re the sort of person who would actually finish reading a review of a movie called Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter you should immediately round up a big posse of like-minded friends so you can experience the same electric thrill I felt seven years ago when I first got to review this now-acknowledged cult classic. Here’s hoping that the Plaza makes this an annual event.
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter will be preceded in all screenings by the short Sex Pistols Xmas.
