Non-relationships are often based purely on physical chemistry

We all know that committed relationships can be hard work. They’re not nearly as hard as “non-relationships.” You know the kind I mean. Those relationships where you’re mad about each other but for some reason — life circumstances the fact that you are completely unsuited or completely insane — you know you’ll never end up together. However you stay involved because well as you tell all your confused friends “there are lots of good reasons.”

For one having relationships free of all that traditional “relationship” stuff can be fun. “Ambiguous romantic relationships are interesting” agrees P a mid-30s gay man “because they often tend to be mostly rooted in a strong physical attraction or chemistry — the old ‘we shouldn’t be doing this but we are.’ And if the relationship is cloistered or not for public consumption there’s often a heady buzz to it all.”

Which is why non-relationships can also be borderline masochistic. “That’s a danger” continues P. “It’s that ‘hurts so good’ aspect where you are spending hours alone with someone and developing an intimacy that can’t go anywhere.”

Then there’s fun stuff like figuring out protocol. Do you call every day? Are they entitled to at least one weekend night of your time? Do you invite him home for holidays?

Also when you’re in a non-relationship and stuff comes up you don’t have the luxury of talking things through because the whole reason you want to be in a non-relationship is because you don’t want to get into relationship stuff. Then things get wonky as you try to continue on your “casual” way when in reality you’re both a bundle of confused loose ends.

But eventually even in a non-relationship there comes a time when you have to talk about what’s going on. “I think it comes at about the three-month point” offers N a woman in her late 30s. “That’s when you start to ask questions about whether you want something more stable reliable and monogamous. If neither party does you might decide everything is fine and continue as is. If there is a difference of opinion the one who wants something more will suffer through it threaten to leave or otherwise act out. Or the other person might sense ‘trouble’ and pre-emptively end it.”

As I say non-relationships can be even more difficult to navigate than committed relationships. And as much as you think you can just keep things casual and coast along it eventually bites you in the ass. Usually as N points out it often happens when one of you wants something more.

Or when something bursts your “non-relationship” bubble. Like a dose of reality. That’s what happened to F a woman in her mid-20s who was having a non-relationship with an older guy. The romance was wild but we never talked about the other ‘r’ word — a relationship” F tells me. “Logically we knew it would never work and I guess neither of us wanted to acknowledge that.”

Then she moved away and he went to visit her for a few days. “He was forced to be in my space on my turf and to acknowledge me beyond some misty vision” she continues. “When it came time for us to play couple it just went horribly wrong. He left my house and we both knew that was going to be the end of something that was never defined. It was sad but OK.”

Of course that is part of the appeal of non-relationships — not having to deal with reality. “It was a total escape” F says of her non-relationship. “If things ever got serious and the rose-coloured glasses had to come off I wouldn’t have the fondness about it that I do. It’s fun to have that special person for romance and not kill it with complications.”

Because goodness knows plenty of us have had it up to our eyeballs with relationship complications. Non-relationships are the perfect respite for a cynical ambivalent fiercely independent neurotic “I’m never going to make myself vulnerable and risk getting burned again in a relationship” lot like us.

A friend of mine was laughing about it. “I have this girlfriend who’s been in a non-relationship for over a year!” she tells me. “It’s like some weird trend.”

In fact the term “non-relationship” has already made it to the urban dictionary (urbandictionary.com).

It’s just a matter of time until we see the guide book: You’re Just Not That Into Each Other: How to squeeze the most out of your non-relationship until you both realize you’re completely deluding yourselves and figure out how to end things.

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