FFWD REW

I can’t believe you’re boinking that monster

Sometimes holding hands (tentacles stingers claws pseudopodia) just isn’t enough…

There’s no gentle way to put this — sometimes movie characters fuck monsters. I’m not talking about monster rapists here such as the ones in Humanoids from the Deep (1980) or monsters who fool people into fucking them by pretending to be human (vampires do this a lot) — those are separate sub-genres. Nope this column is about sex between human and revoltingly non-human characters who know exactly what they’re doing but decide to go for it anyway despite what the neighbours might think. It’s actually a tradition that extends to the fields of literature and theatre as well (See Philip K. Dick’s “The Golden Man” and Jon Klein’s “Betty the Yeti” respectively). So put on that Barry White album and let’s get to the monsterloving!

Embryo (1976): A shirtless Rock Hudson approaches gorgeous Barbara Carrera — herself clad only in a thin transparent nightie — and the two eye one another hungrily. “I want to learn; to experience. Will you teach me?” she breathes. Yes. Yes he will.

The only problem is that Carrera is a genetically engineered organism grown in a lab and is actually only a few weeks old chronologically. Rock is the scientist who created her in the first place so he knows just how wrong this scenario is but at the moment he doesn’t care.

Later Carrera’s accelerated aging causes her to go “full monster.” She kills a pregnant woman kidnaps the still-living fetus gets into a crazy car chase and ages into a withered crone in a matter of minutes. The finale involves Rock trying to strangle his creation now a pregnant senior citizen before a group of appalled witnesses pull him off her and she looks mournfully at him crying “But it’s your baby too!” Many considered this to be the high-water mark of tasteless movie endings at the time. Embryo has apparently lapsed into public domain and can be seen on many budget-priced DVDs as well as on Google Video.

Galaxy Quest (1999): The day is saved! Hooray! A (presumably) female octopoidal alien (in attractive human guise) celebrates by planting a big ol’ kiss on one of the human characters. The alien’s holographic disguise begins to slip and tentacles start to appear giving loving caresses as the kissing continues. Fred (Tony Shaloub) opens his eyes notices just how inhuman the creature he’s kissing is and decides that he’s OK with it. The make-out continues on the floor accompanied by weird squishing sounds. This is all witnessed by another human crewman Guy (Sam Rockwell) who tries to laugh off the unseemly spectacle at first but winds up cringing and saying “…that’s not right!” as things get more… heated.

The Item (1998): A gang of criminals is tasked with babysitting a mysterious box for 24 hours. Naturally there’s a monster in the box and naturally they open it but it’s not what you think. The creature is a rubbery-looking phallic worm with stitched-together eyelids and it doesn’t seem to be aggressive — at least not physically. One-on-one the monster talks to the criminals messing up their minds by stirring up all of their repressed traumas and neuroses. It’s the most dangerous monster of all: a good listener! One of the female characters even (gag) goes all the way with the weird little puppet. Ack!

Possession (1981): Yes Isabelle Adjani fucks a monster in this one. Not a sexy vampire not a cuddly werewolf not even a patchwork Frankenstein creation but a Lovecraftian horror with lots of writhing tentacles. It’s particularly freaky because prior to the scene we don’t even know that Possession is a monster film. Most of the story up to this point has been simply about a spectacularly awful marriage.

Creation of the Humanoids (1962): In a future plagued by mass sterility a large population of robots is treated as second-class citizens. One particularly angry bigot loses his cool when he finds out that his sister is “in rapport” with a “clicker” (translation: fucking a robot).

Futurama (1999-2003): In one of the funniest episodes of the series “Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?” the lobster-like Dr. Zoidberg goes to his home planet of Decapod 10 in search of a mate. Having no luck wooing his former classmate Edna the good doctor enlists the help of his human colleague Fry to romance the tender young fishwoman Cyrano-style. It backfires when Edna falls for Fry and makes a move on the hapless human who resists feebly. (Since this all takes place on Decapod 10 it is actually Fry who is the alien monster in this scenario.)

“Uh I’m flattered! Really! If I was going to do it with a big freaky mud-bug you’d be way up the list!” stammers Fry as Edna chases him around the couch. Then Zoidberg walks in on them just as Fry gets a face full of tentacles and flies into a jealous rage.

“It’s not how it looks!” squeaks Fry.

“Her caviar is on your neck!” bellows Zoidberg.

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