But these films look pretty good
Last week I went to see a sneak preview of War Horse and because Reel Talk’s got to make some sort of reference to this being Fast Forward Weekly ’s sex issue I thought I should note that War Horse is the least sexy movie of all time. I doubt there are many people thinking a movie about the friendship between a boy and his horse during the First World War is going to be sexy but I’m pretty sure the film takes place in a world where sex does not exist. Babies just show up sometimes. They come in to your house start eating your depressing wartime porridge and make themselves at home. Then because they’re babies and as humans we’re predisposed to enjoy their company most people take pity on them and provide them with years of shelter and food.
But I gotta tell ya man this kid in this movie really loves his horse. He wouldn’t have time for sex even if it did exist because he’s way too busy either riding his horse or wishing he was riding his horse. There’s a couple of times in the movie where he gets attacked by a goose — which is realistic because seriously geese are the worst — but other than that the kid just hangs out and thinks about his horse.
Even when he’s in the trenches he recognizes a guy who was in a car one time when he was riding his horse. He stops the guy and asks him if he remembers that one time and they both agree that yeah they remember it. Then they move on. That’s the whole scene and I don’t think the other guy shows up again. But this dude just wanted someone to momentarily remember his horse with him.
There’s about six other movies opening this week and very few of them are sexy. But none of them are less sexy than War Horse . I really cannot emphasize enough just how not-sexy this movie is.
I guess We Bought a Zoo could be kind of sexy. Matt Damon’s a babe and Scarlett Johansson is Scarlett Johansson. To be fair those are the only two things that appear even remotely sexy about this movie. The premise is ridiculous and probably insulting to the zookeepers who spend years in school preparing for their jobs but hey sometimes you’re Matt Damon and you are newly single and you buy a zoo. After my last breakup I got drunk and tried to eat a pineapple with a 30-centimetre ruler so I’m not going to judge a guy for taking care of some animals.
The Adventures of Tintin will certainly not be sexy. I’m not sure if Tintin is Belgian but if he is that would probably explain why. Also Steven Spielberg is the director (just like War Horse ) and that guy does not like sex if you ask me. In almost 40 years of directing movies the guy has avoided sex like it’s his job. I haven’t seen his 1989 film Always but with a cast that’s headlined by Richard Dreyfuss and John Goodman I feel safe in assuming it doesn’t get hot and heavy. Other than that there was a short sex scene in Munich a lesbian scene in The Color Purple and probably something in Catch Me If You Can . My man Spielberg has shot a lot of movies and that is not a lot of sex.
Despite the shortage of boobs butts and balls The Adventures of Tintin is getting rave reviews and is being widely described as a return to non-sexy form for Spielberg so I’m just going to say it’s sexier than War Horse and move on because really there aren’t any repercussions to me saying that.
I feel like joking around about the sexiness of a movie that centres on a brutal rape would take this column to a place I really don’t want it to go so let’s just leave The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo out of this conversation. It’s not sexy. But the last time David Fincher directed a movie that Trent Reznor scored was The Social Network and if this movie is anywhere near as good as that film we’re in luck.
To recap this week’s slate of new films is not sexy. In fact the sexiest film being released this week is probably about a widower who buys a zoo. The least sexy is about a boy who misses his horse and on occasion gets attacked by a goose. So if you’re thinking that going to the movies this week will get you laid you are very very wrong.
