Tomb
Does anybody remember Condorman?
If you saw The Muppets (2011) in a theatre (you did didn’t you?) then you got to see a terrific little short film called Small Fry (2011) at the beginning in which the Toy Story gang goes to a burger joint and loses Buzz Lightyear again. Buzz winds up in a secret meeting room and discovers a support group for unwanted Happy Meal-like toys coping with rejection. It’s a truly funny short and most of the humour comes from the crazy/terrible/brilliant toys at the meeting with names like Pizza-bot Recycle Ben Tae-Kwan-Doe and Lizard Wizard. (Are they going to merchandise any of these characters as real toys? ’Cuz I think I might want some of them.)
Every single failed toy they introduce gets a huge laugh from the audience and for film nuts there’s one little inside joke that really tickled me. One of the toys Condorman was a real movie character from the flaky 1981 Disney film of the same name.
I saw Condorman when it first came out and loved it. Even today any mention of the character (thanks Small Fry !) is enough to get that stirring Henry Mancini theme song stuck in my head and I start grinning like the gormless protagonist himself portrayed with clumsy elan by a pre- Phantom of the Opera Michael Crawford.
Crawford plays an idealistic comic book artist-writer named Woody Wilkins whose dedication to realism in his comics extends to actually jumping off the Eiffel Tower in a homemade bird suit just to make sure that the adventures of his high-flying superhero character Condorman are technically feasible. The suit’s wings don’t quite work and he winds up plunging into the Seine but he continues to write about his winged crusader anyway so I guess his idealism only extends so far. (This film isn’t the superhero adventure some of the posters make it out to be but the bird suit will return once more later in the movie.)
Anyway Wilkins gets caught up in a wacky spy plot to smuggle a beautiful KGB agent (Barbara Carrera as Natalia) over to America. Natalia has been fooled into thinking that Wilkins is a top CIA agent and agrees to defect on the condition that Wilkins be assigned as her escort. Wilkins seizes the opportunity to act like a superspy and talks the CIA into making plenty of expensive high-tech Condorman-themed gadgets to assist his efforts. The little twerp transforms himself into a larger-than-life James Bond-style adventurer (with an avian theme) and the Russians throw equally over-the-top villains at him. Good times!
One of the most memorable set pieces in the film comes shortly after Natalia’s defection attempt begins. Wilkins and Natalia are disguised as gypsies trundling down the road in a broken-down truck when suddenly a squadron of sinister-looking black Porsches chase them down driving in perfect formation. Wilkins flips a switch and the truck transforms into a bright yellow sports car with a garish bird decal on the roof brimming with Bond-style gadgets and weapons. The evil Porsches expertly dodge Wilkins’s laser weapons but he keeps flipping switches and eventually wipes them all out with the Condormobile’s oil slick flamethrower and giant ramp device. It’s a spectacular bit of juvenile wish-fulfilment and the formation driving is as impressive as the similar driving stunts found in the Mad Mission film series. Somebody posted this scene on YouTube with the title “The greatest scene from any motion picture ever made” which is perhaps an exaggeration but one can certainly appreciate the poster’s enthusiasm. In fact the scene is so good that the film repeats it almost verbatim at the film’s climax this time with Wilkins and Natalia piloting a high-tech Condor-themed speedboat and firing lasers at a bunch of sinister black KGB speedboats while smoky explosions erupt all across the surface of the turbulent waters. Yeah!
Condorman was an embarrassing flop for Disney but as a spy flick for 10-year-old boys it’s got considerable appeal. The premise might defy credulity the supporting characters might be insubstantial and the dialogue might be corny but the action set pieces are a treat to behold. Heck I even enjoyed the tie-in comic book. Flap on Condorman .
