Even the hardiest of Albertans those inexplicable fans of mile-high snowdrifts and bitingly cold temperatures encounter days when it’s just too unbelievably awful to venture outside. These are the days made for all-day movie marathons delightfully lazy where you can burrow into blankets on the couch and embrace your inner cinephile.
A marathon once decided on (come late December all it’ll take is one look outside to see the snow and -30 C on the thermometer) requires some planning. First attire: pajamas or sweatpants. You can wear them all day and into the evening. Embrace cozy slothfulness. Next you need a comfy couch and lots of blankets and pillows. The only moving around you’ll be doing is occasionally lying down to drift off into a dazed headachy afternoon sleep. Snacks: hot drinks and baked goods are best. I like a pot of coffee and chocolate chip cookies. Bake your own — it’s easy they’re delicious and you can have them for dinner.
The order of the movies is key. You want to start off light letting the flicks ebb and flow in time concentration and intensity. Tried and true is best — snow days are all about the greatest hits. All genres should be represented though comedy is king. Some movies should be winter-themed and one that plays with paranoid cabin fever is a must. Now is also the time to dive into those lengthy epics that have been sitting on the shelf all summer the restored Blu-rays of Cleopatra and the four-plus hours of Sergio Leone’s Once Upon a Time in America. Unless you have an oversized DVD and Blu-ray collection you can scroll through Netflix browse Apple TV or ahem see what the Internet has to offer.
Start with a crowd-pleaser even if it’s a crowd of um one. I always lead the charge with my favourite winter movie ever: Trading Places. The John Landis comedy has Eddie Murphy at his most hilarious and delivers a satire on capitalism that’s both witty and serious. Also Chicago never looked colder so it’ll make your living room look that much warmer. Look good and feel good — in your sweatpants.
Now it’s time to revisit The Shining. Stanley Kubrick’s ghostly terror tale still packs a punch and if you’ve seen it a billion times enjoy the little touches instead: the accidental helicopter shadow during the title credits and the nude paintings adorning Scatman Crothers’ home. If you’re still in the horror mood follow up with John Carpenter’s The Thing or the vampire flick 30 Days of Night.
The afternoon calls for something classic. Every snow day needs a Bond flick and I’m going with On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Yes it’s the one with that guy who only played James Bond once (George Lazenby). It’s also the only one with an all-musical theme song (no lyrics). Okay not many like this entry. Let the haters hate — most people have never bothered checking out On Her Majesty’s Secret Service and they’re missing out. The shoot-out on the Swiss Alps is one of the best sequences in the series and Telly Savalas chews up the scenery as monocle-sporting super-villain Blofeld.
Follow this one up with one of the best dad movies ever Ice Station Zebra or if you’re feeling more serious Joe Carnahan’s survivalist thriller The Grey.
Next give your inner-child a high-five with Home Alone. If anyone argues with you tell them it still holds up and that they were obviously deprived as a child. (If actual children are present throw some other kid-friendly flicks into the mix like Snow Day and Cool Runnings.) That same friend might try to sucker you by replacing Home Alone with Dutch another holiday John Hughes-penned flick. Don’t listen to them: this movie is terrible. (A better option if it’s Christmastime is the Denis Leary vehicle The Ref. It holds up well.) If they insist on a Hughes replacement go with the best: Planes Trains and Automobiles.
It’s getting late. First revisit the late great Harold Ramis’ poisonous dark comedy The Ice Harvest for some bitter late-night laughs. This one about a sniveling lawyer (John Cusack) who stupidly tries to double-cross a ruthless gangster just gets better every time I see it. It’s my new go-to winter cult favourite. For even more bitter winter chills follow up with Fargo.
You want to end with something that requires the least amount of attention as you’ll be drifting in and out of late-night couch sleep. Dumb and Dumber is the obvious choice. It’s all jokes and minimal plot. And it takes place in Aspen ski country — it’s cold right?
Bonus points if you wake up the next morning on the couch.
