Tomb
Cloudy tonight with a 60 per cent chance of messing your movie up
In honour of the recent rainy streak let’s take a look at some hypothetical situations in which famous movies get screwed up by unexpected weather.
• If Casablanca (1942) got hit by a massive hailstorm:
RICK and ILSA stand in an airfield pelted by dime-sized hailstones.
RICK: If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not on it you’ll regret it. Maybe not today; maybe not tomorrow but soon and for the rest of your life. Ow! God damn it that one got me right in the eye!
ILSA: But what about us?
RICK: We’ll always have Pari — Ouch! Jeez Louise! Look sweetheart where I go you can’t follow problems hill of beans yadda yadda yadda. Now get on the goddamn plane I’m freezing my nuts off.
PILOT: Sorry folks! The wings are iced up. Flight’s cancelled.
Pause.
RICK: “Huh. This is awkward.”
• If Frankenstein (1931) took place in the middle of a heat wave:
DR. F.: “How’s the forecast looking Fritz? Any thunderstorms on the way?”
FRITZ: ( Snort. ) Are you kidding? It’s 30 degrees in the shade. I haven’t seen a cloud all month.
DR. F.: Curses! We need lightning to bring my creation to life! It’s been on this slab since June complete yet inert; needing only the sweet kiss of electricity to awaken its dormant potential!
FRITZ: Look doc I know I’m only your misshapen manservant and all but don’t you think it’s time to give up on this whole “life-from-non-living-tissue” idea? This man-shaped jigsaw puzzle of yours is cool and all but with this heat he’s really starting to stink like an abattoir that’s fallen into an outhouse.
DR. F.: You were supposed to put him in the refrigerator.
FRITZ: He’s seven feet tall! He wouldn’t fit! Not even after I took out the vegetable crisper and folded his legs up!
DR. F.: It matters not! Soon this pungent husk will live! And then I shall invent a powerful deodorant so that he can be accepted into high society!
FRITZ: You mean fly society. He’s already a hit with the insect kingdom.
DR. F.: “How dare you mock my work! I am the modern Prometheus! Soon I shall snatch the power of creation from the hands of God himself! The world shall know of… of…. ( Pause. ) Damn it it’s too hot to yell at you. Be a dear and fetch me a cold drink would you?”
FRITZ: That’s more like it. Two coconut mai tais coming up. I’ll set up the deck chairs.
DR. F.: Oh OK. Thanks Fritz. I think I’ve been working too hard.
FRITZ: I’ll say. Look it’s a beautiful day. Why don’t you just invent the jet ski and hit the beach?
DR. F.: Jet… ski?
FRITZ: Let me show you these blueprints I’ve been working on…
• If The Wicker Man (1973) ended with a torrential downpour:
PAGAN LEADER: Come on everybody! Let’s sacrifice this interloper in a big fire so our crops will grow again!
VICTIM: No! Nooooo! In the name of the Lord think what you’re doing!
PAGANS: Oh poop it’s raining.
VICTIM: Yes! Divine intervention baby! Stupid pagans! Think you’re so smart with your orgies and your human sacrifices? Well guess what? Your religion sucks and Jesus just kicked your ass! Yeah! Suck it pagans!
PAGAN LEADER: See this is why nobody on the island likes you. It’s shit like this.
PAGANS: Oh screw it. Let’s just stab him.
• If The Wizard of Oz (1939) experienced multiple tornadoes instead of just one:
( Dorothy lands in Oz. )
DOROTHY: Toto I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore!
GLINDA: Welcome to Oz! This Yellow Brick Road will take you to the Emerald City where…
DOROTHY: Oh no! Here comes another twister!
( With a whoosh Dorothy is deposited at the gates of the Emerald City. )
WIZARD: Hello! Would you like to return to your home in Kansas?
DOROTHY: Oh yes please!
WIZARD: Then you must perform this impossible task for me. Retrieve the —
( Another tornado sweeps up Dorothy plunking her in her bed in Kansas )
DOROTHY: Jeepers! What a strange dream! And you were in it and you were in it and so were —
( Whoosh! Another tornado. )
DOROTHY: Merciful heavens! Where am I now?
ASLAN: You’re in the magical kingdom of Narnia!
DOROTHY: This is getting ridiculous Toto!
( Whoosh )
DOROTHY: Oh for Pete’s sake!
MORPHEUS: No one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.
DOROTHY: Look mister I’ve had a really weird day. Don’t mess with me. I know kung fu.
MORPHEUS: Show me.
( They fight. Dorothy is The One. )
