Tomb
‘Oh you like my mask? It represents a catastrophic trauma from my childhood…’
It’s rarely a good idea to wear an outlandish costume while committing a felony. You’re just going to make things easier for the police. “Calling all cars: home invasion robbery in progress. Suspect is wearing a striped shirt and domino mask; last seen heading north carrying a large canvas bag with a dollar sign printed on it.” Nevertheless movies are filled with violent criminals who view their activities as an excuse to play dress-up. Beware of strangers wearing any of the following:
• Skin-tight catsuits: Female catburglars seem to feel the need to dress exclusively in form-fitting bodysuits which is a decision I can applaud. The increased mobility afforded by such apparel helps one glide sexily under laser tripwires but it does tend to draw unwanted attention. These revealing uniforms ensure that any male witnesses are completely unable to take their eyes off of the lass at the precise moment that she wants to be inconspicuous. Still captured suspects rarely go to court as witnesses are invariably love-struck dolts who clam up after one suggestive glance from the foxy felon. “Sorry officer I’m just not sure who it was I saw stealing the Kronaur emerald. Could I see the suspects line up again?”
• Gorilla suit and skull mask: While this combination is one of the least inconspicuous costumes ever it has the advantage of making your victims wet their pants the second you jump out of the shadows at them. Criminals in this get-up are encouraged to jump around a lot and be as energetic as possible. Nobody wants to see a listless skull-faced primate slumped up against a wall smoking a cigarette. This costume is actually a fairly common sight in the Krimi films based on the novels of Edgar Wallace. Wallace villains tended to be outrageous dressers clad in everything from executioner’s hoods to frog masks.
Curiously the gorilla-skull outfit also turns up in the creepy kung fu revenge flick Human Lanterns (1982) in which Hong Kong action star Lo Lieh masks up before going on a murderous rampage.
• Rubber protective gear: Common sense if your crimes get a bit messy. As seen in Audition (1999) and the TV series Dexter .
• Ninja suits: It’s odd really – ninjas are supposed to be stealthy and discrete but if they just left those black suits at home nobody would even know that a ninja was there in the first place. The dark colours help keep these silent assassins hidden at night but in the movies all we want to see are kick-ass ninja battles in broad daylight where the suits are pretty much the opposite of camouflage. Screw stealth we all know that the most awesome ninja scene ever is the opening sequence from Ninja III: The Domination (1984) in which a ninja massacres a group of golfers and takes out a helicopter with a throwing star that he flings with his foot. With his foot !
• Santa Claus: Putting on the red suit and beard has prefaced everything from misdemeanours (Dan Aykroyd crashing a buffet in Trading Places ) to full-on killing sprees ( Silent Night Deadly Night ). Wear this outfit on Christmas Eve and you’ll ensure that cops will be reluctant to blow you away in front of children while you slip into the city streets losing yourself among the dozens of identically dressed Saint Nicks on every sidewalk. Be warned though — the rest of the year you’ll kind of stand out in the crowd.
• Halloween costumes: Look out! There’s a killer goalie/William Shatner/Edvard Munch painting coming to get us! Aieeeee!
• Owl suit: In the Italian slasher flick Stagefright (1987) the mad killer actually dresses up as a giant snowy owl. O Rly?
• Weird cloth mask with buttons for eyes: David Cronenberg wears this in Nightbreed (1990). My question is how does he see?
• Drag: There’s a long cinematic tradition of revealing that the murderer is actually a man in women’s clothing. The most famous example is Psycho (1960) and the weirdest example is probably Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970) in which a seemingly male character (with breasts) puts on a tiara and cape calls himself “superwoman” and kills off most of the cast with a sword and a .45 automatic.
• Pope hat and lipstick: The unintentionally hilarious SS Girls (1977) is a cheesy sexploitation picture in which all of the characters are crazy Nazis. The craziest Nazi of the bunch discovers an anti-Hitler plot with the help of a highly trained team of hookers. (Er… just go with me on this one.) When the time comes to betray them all he does so while wearing a swastika-emblazoned pope costume and a ton of glamour makeup. He laughs hysterically throughout this scene and so does the audience.
