What’s good for the goose…
In ancient Rome prostitutes painted their mouths red to indicate that oral sex was on their will-do list. In the 1970s I brushed my sister’s sky-blue eyeshadow across my eyelids under the “evening” setting of a Sunbeam makeup mirror as part of my rites of passage.
Throughout its history wearing makeup has had as much to do with wealth and status as whether or not you give blow jobs. For example I doubt the Roman emperor Nero who apparently was heavily into eyeshadow did it to get laid.
There’s no denying there is something blatantly sexual about wearing makeup. Think about it next time you twist up your lipstick. In fact the whole premise of its application according to those who purport to know these things is to look like we’re in the throes of sex at all times. “Makeup mimics the changes that take place in your body when you become sexually aroused” according to the book The Secrets of Sexual Body Language by Martin Lloyd-Elliott. “When you’re excited your pupils enlarge — making your eyes look darker and bigger — your cheeks flush and the lips swell and darken.” It even goes so far as to suggest that if you’re applicator-impaired you get yourself excited and then look in the mirror and copy the results.
Perfume’s all about sex too. When we have sex the body sweats and releases a musky odour. That’s why most perfumes are derived from animal scents. You might say it brings out the beast in us.
And jewelry? Next time you’re having sex just watch your partner’s earlobes swell. According to one source “In some parts of Africa long earlobes are seen as the ultimate standard of beauty and a girl’s earlobes are punctured and stretched systematically to increase desirability.”
In some societies the lack of a neck adornment emphasizes that a girl is a virgin while in others a special necklace indicates the same thing. Back in mid-17th-century Europe those funny neck ruffles were worn to emphasize a woman’s neck. Apparently some were so big the wearer couldn’t eat. I swear the lengths we’ll go to to get laid.
For myself there is big fun in the ritual the shopping discovering the newest MAC lipstick colour but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit a huge part of it isn’t about clever packaging.
Most straight men will say they just don’t get the whole primping thing. Or that they prefer us au naturel . (Of course they’re the first to ask if you’re feeling OK when you’re not wearing any makeup.)
Lots of gay men on the other hand are on to the whole marketing scheme. They know what it takes to grab a guy’s attention. Now if we could only get the straight boys to work a little harder at it.
Admittedly there are lots of stylish straight guys out there (and lots of very unstylish women). I’d even go so far as to say lots more guys are trying. However the other day I was sitting on a patio enjoying the summer view and watching the boys and girls go by when I realized I was mostly watching the girls. Not because I was channelling my inner repressed lesbian but because they were just way more fun to look at than the boys.
“I just see so few men with style out there” I complained to my companion as a guy adorned in the standard jock summer uniform — khaki knee-length shorts baseball cap baggy T-shirt and those stupid velcro-fastened sandals — strolled by to emphasize my point. Meanwhile colourfully frocked and funkily clad chicks continuously paraded by.
Sure we women get the whole fashion thing rammed down our throats from an early age and admittedly as I’ve already conceded there are some fabulously stylish men out there (my Willem Dafoe look-alike waiter for example — at least his pants matched his shirt and by matched I don’t mean his shirt was the exact same brown as his pants as was the case with another dude who walked by looking like a big turd) but how is it that in every other species the male gets all the bells and whistles to attract attention and all we get are T-shirts and jeans?
That’s not to say T-shirts and jeans if done right can’t look great but surely we can do a little better guys. “Embrace your inner peacock” advises Lloyd-Elliott. “Remember that being vain just shows you have a healthy respect for the opinions of others — that you’re socially engaged. It’s like charity but for shallow people.”
Start by removing the socks in the sandals. Just out of respect.
