For clitoral stimulation try a vibrating egg

Dear Josey

I’m 28 single and a virgin (as far as penetration goes). Recently I’ve been experimenting with a vibrator that has a clit attachment but while it’s pleasurable I just can’t climax. I’ve only ever been able to reach orgasm by one method — laying on my stomach — and I’m concerned that when I’m finally with someone I won’t be able to climax. Suggestions?

Clitorally Unstimulated

Dear Clitorally

Most vibrators will claim to fly you to the moon and back if they think it’ll make you buy the thing but the clit attachments I’ve seen on most vibrators seem mostly like an afterthought. I can just imagine the designers of these things: “Oh yeah the clitoris I’ve heard of that. Isn’t is somewhere around her belly button? Here let’s attach this lame freaky animal-shaped thing on the end of this sucker and that’ll take care of that!”

If you enjoy simultaneous penetration and clitoral stimulation while masturbating I’ve found the best trick is to use two toys. A vibrating egg is handy and compact and especially good if you need heavy-duty clit stimulation to get off. You can hold it over your clit with the fingers of one hand (just as if you were using your fingers directly to rub your clit) and then slip a basic silicone dildo or a regular penis-shaped vibrator into your vagina with your other hand.

As for worrying about being with a partner and only being able to come a certain way lots of women (and guys) are like that. Don’t worry about it. We all have specific needs and preferences when it comes to sex. If you can only achieve orgasm one way don’t be embarrassed about it. Instead be proud of the fact that you know what gets you off. Most guys appreciate that in a woman.

As for your particular “technique” have him penetrate you from behind while you’re lying on your tummy stimulating your clit by hand or with a toy. Heck sounds easier than trying to get in there with him on top of you and your legs flappin’ in the air which is what most women end up having to do.

Dear Josey

I am a happily married 46-year-old white male. I love chatting and webcamming with other men my age. I’m always nude and masturbating while doing this. Does this mean I am gay and if so how do I let my partner know?

Experiencing Sexual Cyber Identity Crisis

Dear Experiencing

Having sex or sexual thoughts with someone of your own gender does not make you gay. A lot of people will tell you otherwise but don’t buy it. I know a lot of women like to watch girl-on-girl porn — does that make them lesbians? What about straight men who enjoy girl on girl? Are they lesbians? So I’d say no you are not necessarily gay because you enjoy boy-on-boy action. The fact that you say you are happily married backs this up. Unless you are in deep denial of who you are of course but I find it unlikely that if this were the case you would be able to keep up a happy marriage.

Being gay means you are only attracted to people of your own gender and could not rightfully consider having sex with the opposite sex. Given your situation you may be bisexual but you are probably not gay.

More likely I suspect you are attracted to the taboo aspect of gay sex. Compare yourself to someone who watches other sex acts that they would never enact in real life like someone who enjoys “teen” sex videos. This does not necessarily mean they are a pedophile who wants to have sex with young girls. It is merely a fantasy that turns him on no doubt in part because of its taboo nature. As I wrote in my column about anal play a couple weeks back “a taboo gives the forbidden feeling or behaviour an inflated significance.”

Does your attraction to these men continue after you orgasm? Do you imagine kissing cuddling or having a relationship with these guys? If your answer to these questions is no what you’re engaging in is probably purely sexual fantasy.

All that said the fact that you are interacting with these guys does take things a step beyond harmless fantasy. Unless you and your partner have talked about this and she’s totally cool with what you are doing without her I’d say you are dangerously close to another relationship taboo called “cheating.” Which might put a damper on that whole “happily married” situation. Rather than worry about whether you’re gay or not you might do better to worry about that.