You deserve to be selfish

I’m a 25-year-old straight female. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for only a few months but we fell in love fast. He is a caring person and I want to make this last. However he doesn’t turn me on. It has nothing to do with looks — he’s gorgeous— but rather with the fact that I am submissive and like things rough (rape fantasies being tied up etc.). He is GGG and tries but he is just too timid. The last guy I dated used to toss me around like a rag doll and I miss being dominated.

I talked to my wonderful GGG boyfriend and he agreed right away to have a threesome with my previous guy. I haven’t talked to the previous guy yet but I’m sure he’d be into it. This threesome would allow my ex to do something really kinky which I know he would love and I would get the abuse I need and my boyfriend would get a “lesson” in the art of sub/dom sex. But…

1. Am I being a selfish bitch?

2. Is it a bad sign that he’s not satisfying me sexually at three months?

3. Thank you!

— Needs Some Abuse

1. You have needs NSA and you’re articulating them clearly and thoughtfully; you’re being considerate and deliberate. And yeah you’re also being a selfish bitch.

Good for you.

You have a right to be a little selfish — we all have a right to be a little selfish — when it comes to sex. You have needs and you want them met and you want your gorgeous boyfriend to meet them. Why? Because you’re a selfish bitch no question but that’s not the only reason. You also want him to meet your needs — ably skilfully — because you want to stay with him NSA. Showing him how to meet your needs — even if that requires bringing in the kinky ex for a tutorial — is one way to make that happen. The current boyfriend agreed to the threesome idea quickly because he can see that. Take yes for an answer NSA!

2. Some couples click right away and some couples take some time to find their groove. My boyfriend doesn’t allow me to write about our sex life in any detail — privacy is his kink — but he will allow me to say this: The sex we’re having at 15 years is a lot better than the sex we were having at 15 weeks. So don’t despair that your boyfriend isn’t totally satisfying you at three months. We got there (within a year) NSA and you can too (with some effort).

3. No NSA thank you . It’s not often that a letter from a straight reader forces me to go lie down in a dark room for half the day with a warm washcloth over my eyes. The threesome you describe is beyond hot; you’d be a fool not to go for it and I’d be drummed out of the Brotherhood of Amalgamated Male Sex Advice Columnists Who Are Men (Local 609) if I didn’t urge you to go for it. This threesome will help your current boyfriend up his game thereby saving this relationship or it will provide you with memories that you’ll cherish for the rest of your life. (And by “cherish for the rest of your life” I mean “masturbate about for decades to come.”) Either way you win. Go for it NSA and please send a full report after it’s all over.

I’m dating a woman who happens to be another chap’s wife. He knows. In fact he sometimes joins in. The problem is that he had cancer some years back. It’s in remission but his immune system was hit hard. How his body would deal with various sexually transmitted infections is in question. Would a “treatable” strain of syphilis mess him up?

I love my lady friend — but since I’m dating around we’ve started looking up info on the internet about “safe sex” and have found a lot of contradictory info. You can get hepatitis B from kissing? HPV can sneak around condoms? Gonorrhea is starting to become antibiotic resistant? All this is making her feel like I might unintentionally expose her other beloved to something nasty.

My question: Does “100 per cent safe sex” even exist? Is there any way to protect my lover’s husband?

— Daunted By Threesome Reality

There’s no such thing as “100 per cent safe sex” just as there’s no such thing as “100 per cent safe chicken salad” DBTR. (Sorry — just saw Food Inc.) There is only safer sex: use condoms when appropriate have more sex with fewer partners get regular STI screenings. That said DBTR hepatitis B is almost never transmitted by kissing and there’s a 100 per cent effective vaccine for it. And while HPV can sneak around condoms there’s a highly effective HPV vaccine too. And there are effective treatment options for those drug-resistant strains of gonorrhea you’re reading up on. As for your lady’s man’s immune system:

“If his cancer has been in remission for years his immune system would be considered completely healthy” says Dr. Barak Gaster my medical consultant at the University of Washington. “Even when an immune system is decimated by heavy chemo it’s amazingly able to reconstitute itself.”

But the only way to ensure that you’re not introducing an STI into your triad — one that you’re not already carrying — is to commit for the time being to having sex with only these two people.

A new euphemism: When someone cheats on a spouse that should be known as “hiking the Appalachian Trail” in honoir of South Carolina governor Mark Sanford.

But I have to say that this Adultery Confessional Theatre is getting tired. Can our culture start to deflate the drama on extramarital affairs a little? Bill Clinton Eliot Spitzer Larry Craig Jon and Kate John Ensign Mark Sanford: Yes it sucks if kids are involved and it often leads to divorce. But I wonder if setting the panic bar a bit lower wouldn’t save more marriages. Maybe we should embrace the fact that few of us will remain monogamous over the long life of a marriage and remove sex from the pressured centre of domestic life.

— Anne In NJ

My reaction when the Sanford scandal broke could be summed up in six words: Dying (physically politically) is easy; monogamy is hard.

I’m with you AINJ and I have hammered away at those points for years: At the bottom of all these sex scandals — Sanford Ensign Spitzer et al. — is our unnatural fixation on monogamy. Human beings — male or female — aren’t wired to be sexually monogamous and the feigned shock with which we’re required to greet each new revelation of infidelity on the part of an elected official a reality-show star or a sports figure would be comical if the costs weren’t so great. Elevating monogamy over all else — insisting that it and it alone is the sole measure of love and devotion — destroys countless marriages families and careers.

Which is not to say that people shouldn’t honour their commitments or that there aren’t folks out there capable of remaining monogamous over the five-decade course of a marriage or that the hypocrisy of assholes like Sanford — who called on President Clinton to resign during Monicagate — isn’t worthy of censure. But think of all the people who’ve cheated and gotten caught. Now think about all the people who’ve cheated and gotten away with it. Our idealized notions about sex — within marriage and without — are at war with who and what we are. Sex is powerful; relationships are fragile. Why on earth do we insist on pitting them against each other?

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