1985 called; they want their action figure product placements back
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is currently in theatres making money hand over fist despite many many terrible reviews. An August release of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is imminent making this the summer specifically targeted towards nostalgia for mid-’80s toy and cartoon franchises. Many of my friends are squeaking with anticipation for these films possibly because nostalgia is a potent marketing tool. While not addressing the actual quality of these movies (which might turn out to be very enjoyable) and certainly not wishing to talk anybody out of liking something (an exercise which benefits no one) I would like to point out a few things about the cartoons we’re meant to be feeling nostagic about.
Transformers G.I. Joe He-Man Thundercats: these shows were all toy commercials. I know it. You know it. The Reagan administration had just lifted FCC legislation that had been in place to keep children’s programming from turning into blatant attempts to hawk plastic trinkets to kiddies. The laws that had been used to put the kibosh on the Hot Wheels cartoon were suddenly gone and toy companies like Hasbro pounced on the opportunity. Classic Saturday morning fare like The Bugs Bunny Show were getting censored out of existence and in their place the airwaves were being flooded with 30-minute ads for Cobra combat gyrocopters and Castle Grayskull playsets. The drop in quality for children’s programming was jarringly abrupt. Cartoons didn’t need to have broad appeal anymore they just had to sell toys to a particular demographic. Girls got Strawberry Shortcake and Rainbow Brite . Younger kids got The Care Bears . There was even Rubik the Amazing Cube a bizarre attempt to turn the popular puzzle into a friendly magical goblin.
Even at the time of it’s original broadcast I found The Transformers to be a staggeringly anti-intellectual TV show. I don’t mean that it lacked wit or cleverness; I mean that it portrayed intelligence as evil. The only characters who ever had any ideas or plans were the evil Decepticons. As soon as their plans had begun the virtuous Autobots foiled them in exactly the same way every time: by showing up at the Decepticon base and beating everybody up. Half the time the Autobots didn’t even know what kind of plan they were foiling; they just assumed it was evil because the Decepticons were involved.
Meanwhile the flag-waving freedom fighters over at G.I. Joe were selling the kids on the idea of unchecked military spending. Not only were the scripts jingoistic us-versus-them scenarios they also glorified the fact that the Joes wasted tax dollars on incredibly stupid weapons. This show featured the most bizarrely impractical fighting vehicles in existence. Some of these things looked like lawn chairs outfitted with jet engines and giant cannons. Rockets stuck out of every surface like tree branches. Thank goodness they were fictional; real servicemen would be safer going into combat on a gasoline-soaked scooter with a target painted on it than in one of these surreal deathtraps. Of course buying each and every one of these war machines (and the corresponding toys of course) was perfectly justified because the evil terrorist cell Cobra had their own toys — er weapons — lined up and they were every bit as goofy. There was even a pogo-stick-powered attack vehicle. Seriously do a Google image search on “Cobra Pogo Ballistic Battle Ball” and prepare to laugh your ass off. By getting kids to beg their parents to buy them this junk G.I. Joe was preparing them to avoid questioning the billions of dollars the real U.S. government was spending on wasteful and strategically questionable projects like the Bradley fighting vehicle: a “troop transport” that only carries six men and which explodes into poisonous vapour when shot due to it’s aluminum hull. That particular vehicle took 17 years and $14 billion to develop. Yo Joe!
Remember those tacked-on messages at the end of every show? Just before the end credits He-Man and G.I. Joe would hit kids with important life lessons about eating their vegetables or looking both ways before crossing the street. It’s been speculated that these awkward public service announcements were attempts at securing government funding by qualifying as “educational programming” in the lamest most half-assed method possible. The fact that the epilogues didn’t go away after the first few episodes suggests that the ruse worked.
Now I’ll be the first to admit that a jet plane that can reconfigure itself into a humanoid robot is a pretty awesome toy but it is still a toy . If you’re thinking of buying a movie ticket just because you wish you still had your Optimus Prime action figure well you can probably just buy one now dude. Check EBay or something. It’s not like you have to beg for toy money from your mom anymore.
