FFWD REW

Cruisin’ the Cosmos

Week of Oct 29 2009

SCORPIO (OCT. 23 – NOV. 21)

You wear a mask 365 days of the year. If you wanna do something really weird this ’ween drop all facades for at least a full day this week. Do what you want and say what you might even if it gives those who surround you a fright. You’ll be astounded just how much it feels right!

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 – DEC. 21)

You’re gonna have to do a lotta prestidigitatin’ to reap the rewards for which you been waitin’ and it looks like you’re low on eye of newt. Of course with hard work you’ll have more luck and your apothecary shortage’ll be moot. If you go right ahead and do what you want to the ghost of failure won’t come back to haunt you!

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 – JAN. 19)

Like a werewolf on a full moon an atrocious transformation’ll take over you this week and you’ll have some mighty dangerous cravings. Y’know the kind that’ll break relationships your back and/or the piggy bank. Be patient and let ’em pass. Better to bite the bullet than get shot with a silver one in the ass!

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 18)

What’s more terrifyin’ than a tub full of Ebola? Scarier than a serial killer’s basement? Creepier than that second cousin twice removed from Tennessee? Why it’s L-O-V-E! You can’t control it it changes everything and you’ll never understand it even if you’re not stupid. You want a bloodcurdling costume? Try Cupid!

PISCES (FEB. 19 – MARCH 20)

What’s the one defining characteristic of dolls and mannequins? They don’t speak up for themselves so you can use ’em to do whatever you want to. You can pose ’em dress ’em silly even practise some voodoo. If you don’t wanna get used as a pincushion by some evil priest/ess don’t be a dummy or the probability increases!

ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 19)

Damn! You open your pillowcase and you’ve got rubber dog doo fake vomit a snake-in-the-can sneezing powder and 12 packs of hot pepper gum. Apparently there are different ways to interpret “trick or treat.” See what happens when you don’t ask for exactly what you want by adding “smell my feet give me something good to eat”?

TAURUS (APRIL 20 – MAY 20)

Might as well throw a sheet over your head this weekend Casper. They say ghosts are souls that roam the Earth trying to regain the worldly pleasures they once had in another life. Sounds like you lately paleface! Y’know you can leave this purgatory at any time if you quit tryin’ to revisit the scenes of your crimes.

GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 20)

This week your life is gonna be a lot like some low-budget slasher flick. Y’know the kind where the dude and the chick get impaled on a stick that goes right through their bodies when they’re doin’ the naughty. On the other hand if you keep your nose clean you’ll be able to evade the killing machine!

CANCER (JUNE 21 – JULY 22)

Imagine if there were vampires that instead of blood subsisted on the joy of others. After awhile these bliss-suckers’d figure out that the best way to feed themselves is to fatten the entire population with happiness. Then again why bother imagining? That pretty much sums up Cancers in a nutshell!

LEO (JULY 23 – AUG. 22)

Let the ghoul times roll this Halloween ’cause the moon’s in your crypt and she’s diggin’ the scene. Except for one thing. Seems you’ve been wrapped up in yourself for a li’l while and you need to unravel a bit. Shake that mummy’s curse and crawl outta the pit ’cause the “other side” is here — you’re standin’ in it!

VIRGO (AUG. 23 – SEPT. 22)

If you were onscreen this would be the part of the flick where the audience is yelling at you not to open that door and go in that room lest you meet certain doom. Of course if you listened to ’em the movie would end and you wouldn’t learn anything. Besides you’ve got top billing in this one. You can’t die yet — it’s just begun!

LIBRA (SEPT. 23 – OCT. 22)

This week like Dr. Frankenstein you will create life in your own way. Will you consider the consequences of your actions? Will you reflect upon the feelings and perceptions your creature might experience? Or will you cruelly create a murderous monster out of megalomania and be forced to flee at pitchfork-point back to your uncle’s castle in Transylvania?

You can contact The Kid at cruisinthecosmos@hotmail.com .

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