Giving Head
She says “We can’t fall in love – I don’t want my heart broken.” He agrees to her “no love” clause; wants to get laid. Next night they’re making-out on his waterbed splish-splash; quietly splish-splash; so as not to wake his parents in the next room. She’s a steam-punk sex-show-off: and when she arches backwards circus contortionist-style her noggin becomes lodged between the mattress and the frame. She screams “…my fucking head’s stuck.” His parents hearing the words “fuck and head” come running. Right then her face-piecing punctures the plastic skin of the waterbed immersing her head deep inside the bubble of water. His parents enter freak out over the screaming girl and the boy is toast – a heated “house-rules” argument ensues. Meanwhile the girls drowning what a way to meet the parents! – All she sees are diamond-shapes as the boy’s father performs mouth-to-mouth before the unfortunate girl fades into oblivion. Some accidents are more difficult to explain than others and she would’ve been better off with a broken heart. Wise decisions on stupid days.
Sidebar: Do not have sex in the reindeer enclosure at the zoo. The reindeers might get excited and attack.
Garter Snake
She hears the “swoosh” before the “crash!” She thinks “I wonder what he’s doing in my shower” and she runs to find out. When she opens the bathroom door and looks through the steam as thick as a concussion she sees his naked body sprawled out on the bottom of the tub accident prone with his projectile still tightly in hand. “Onanism!” And her trajectory blasts to the time she broke her tooth because she didn’t read the dildo instructions. “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth…”
Sidebar: Tantric tasers! Mechanical tongues! You can’t cremate breast implants! Aren’t all ejaculations a little pre-mature?
Killer Panties
He thought “Do not re-gift sex toys!” She was caught with her remote control panties on standing in a puddle no rubber on her soles; finger in the plug. He thought he was stimulating but he was really electrocuting. He was left with a pair of panties a remote and the burning question “Do you re-gift sex toys?”
Sidebar: You can always remove the knock-off knockers when she expires; recycle silicone and sell them at a reduced rate on E-Bay.
Bonobo Love
Two people die while in the act of procreation due to a bad idea. I guess they heard Bonobo apes resolve conflicts with sex so when they had an argument in the BC rainforest they decided to climb an arbutus tree and make out Chimpanzee; which turned out to be endangered sex act. They must have found themselves in a precarious “position” at the edge of a branch just before they “fell in love.” The earth moved and afterward their bodies had to be surgically separated.
