FFWD REW

Terrible sequels to terrible movies

And you thought the original sucked

Why do we keep watching sequels? We know they’re just going to get worse and worse yet we constantly choose familiarity over originality whenever we’re staring at the movie listings or the video store shelves. Plenty of fine films have had dreadful sequels — The Matrix Highlander The Sting most of Disney’s animated films — but even wretched movies can occasionally spawn sequels that make their predecessors look inspired by comparison. Check out these sequels nobody asked for each of which failed to live up to the extremely low standards set by the originals.

The Gate 2 (1990): The original “kids versus demons” flick The Gate (1987) didn’t really have much going for it aside from an interesting poster a couple of cool stop-motion animation scenes and a finale in which Satan gets killed by a model rocket. (Wow this is starting to sound much better than I remember!) In this supremely unnecessary sequel some teens use black magic to make their wishes come true only to find that their wishes have an expiry date after which everything literally turns into excrement. Seriously they wish for wads of cash and after the clock strikes 12 they’ve got wallets full of stinky poo. The movie itself goes through a similar transformation.

House of the Dead 2 (2005): Who’d have thought that one of the most critically hated films in history would turn out to be so hard to live up to? The original House of the Dead (2003) is a legendary howler that is genuinely “so bad it’s good.” People love to insult both the film and director Uwe Boll online but when the film itself is playing it’s smiles and laughs all around (admittedly not the director’s intention). Not so with the sequel which was made by different hands and is virtually impossible to sit through. A joking tone is attempted and abandoned leaving us with one of the most tedious zombie sieges on record. Come back Uwe Boll! All is forgiven!

Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004): This is currently sitting at No. 3 in the Internet Move Database’s “Bottom 100” list of worst films of all time. The original Baby Geniuses (1999) is No. 74.

Troll 2 (1990): The subject of the documentary Best Worst Movie (2009) this spectacular failure has attained a cult following far beyond that of the largely forgotten original.

Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1996): OK so The Lawnmower Man (1992) was kinda neat in its own way but it’s easier to get through if you’re a bad movie fan. On the other hand nothing can help you get through this agonizing sequel which got retitled Lawnmower Man 2: Jobe’s War for home video. Matt Frewer takes over the title role from Jeff Fahey only the character of Jobe is now a giggling cyberspace supervillain and every minute of this film makes audiences contemplate suicide.

The Blade Master (1984): Fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 know this famous turkey as Cave Dwellers a particularly ridiculous Conan the Barbarian clone starring Miles O’Keeffe. Students of terrible cinema know that it’s a sequel to the equally dreadful Ator the Fighting Eagle (1982). In the original film mighty warrior Ator battles impossible odds in order to rescue his kidnapped sister because he intends to marry her. (Ewww!) This sequel shows the beefy fighter inventing a hang glider and witnessing a nuclear explosion. There are four Ator movies in total and each one is staggeringly awful.

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