It’s hard living waking up in the desert beside Natalie Portman
That was some weekend eh? A royal wedding the death of the most wanted man in the world and the eve of a federal election. More importantly though Fast Five killed it at the box office. In fact the latest instalment of the Fast and Furious franchise had the biggest opening weekend of any movie released in April ever. That’s obviously the big story and reaffirms my theory from last week’s column that the Furious movies are together the defining cinematic franchise of our time.
But as impressive as Fast Five’s opening was its reign at the top is likely to be short. This weekend Marvel’s rolling out the latest episode in its lead up to next summer’s Avengers. Thor has had one of the most awkward marketing campaigns in recent memory but the studio’s track record pretty much guarantees a hit.
Thor is the story of a guy named Thor. He’s a Norse God from some distant world who has a magic hammer and great abs. He’s banished from his planet because he’s a bit of an ass and ends up in a desert where Natalie Portman finds him. All of this makes me hate him. I’ve never woken up in a desert but if I did there’s no way I’d have nice abs or a beautiful Jewish woman to look after me. But this guy gets a magic boomerang hammer and a hot Hebrew? That’s a really tough punishment for getting exiled to another planet. Way to go Norse gods.
But the Thor character is relatively unknown compared to his Avenger teammates and this is the first time Marvel’s asking its audience to buy into the more supernatural elements of the comic universe. Iron Man’s power came from Tony Stark’s engineering prowess. Bruce Banner became the Hulk because he was too close to a gamma bomb explosion. Steve Rogers underwent a military experiment and became Captain America. Thor? Yeah he’s just a god. No scientific explanation necessary. Getting the audience to buy into that mythology may be Marvel’s biggest challenge in the lead up to The Avengers.
It’s also directed by Kenneth Branagh. Which makes sense and will hopefully silence the ever-growing horde of haters moaning on and on about the shortage of soliloquies in modern comic book adaptations.
Back to Fast Five and specifically The Rock. No Dwayne Johnson here. He’s The Rock. Not only did he star in the best fifth instalment of any film franchise ever he was also apparently the first person in America to know that bin Laden was dead. An hour before the announcement was made The Rock tweeted “Just got word that will shock the world — Land of the free… home of the brave DAMN PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!” The guy’s on a roll. In one month the guy hosted Wrestlemania and proved he’s somehow got a reliable source inside the highest sectors of American government. He’s probably going to wake up in a desert with Natalie Portman some time soon. Who’ll be the Norse god then Thor?
Elsewhere the latest Kate Hudson romantic comedy opens this weekend. In Something Borrowed Hudson’s best friend gets drunk and sleeps with her fiancé and it’s all very complicated. The real tragedy of this movie is the casting of John Krasinski. Poor Jim. With Steve Carell leaving The Office the guy is definitely going to need work pretty soon but Krasinski doesn’t seem to have found a niche outside of his star-making role. He’s got talent and is handsome in a goofy sort of way. He surely deserves better roles than “best friend possibly gay” in idiotic Kate Hudson movies.
I thought Jumping the Broom was about a basketball-playing maid. But it turns out it’s about a wedding between two African-Americans from very different socio-economic backgrounds. It’s actually an interesting premise and the presence of Mike Epps pretty much guarantees some laughs. He went from wearing his shirt backwards and having a restraining order on a baby in Next Friday to playing the dad in a thoughtful comedy about inter-class relations in the African-American community. Cousin Day-Day’s come a long way.
Elsewhere The Beaver’s opening. It’s likely the last time we’ll see Mel Gibson anchoring a movie. So long and thanks for The Road Warrior Mel. We’ll always have our memories of the Thunderdome. And your disgusting anti-semitism.
