FFWD REW

No-budget double feature: 2011 edition

Is it still considered a “film” if it’s on an SD card?

Man: “They’ve seen us! Damn they’re coming this way! Here take the rifle…. I’ll nail the doors and windows shut. If they get inside shoot ’em in the head!”

Woman: “Oh God! Why is this happening?! Why is this happening?!”

Man: “It’s too late! They’re coming through! Aieee!”

Zombies: “Grrr. Arrrrgh.”

Zombie #1: “Angela? Is that you? Hey girl how you doing? Did you make your own costume? You look hot!”

Zombie #2: “Oh hey Todd! You like it? I saw this at Winners and I thought ‘That is totally a zombie bra.’ And look at you with your zombie eyes! Are those contact lenses? They look so freaky!”

Woman: “Uh guys… we’re filming this.”

Zombie #2: “Whoops! Sorry! Uh…. Braaaaaaaiinnnsss…. Braaaaaiiiinnss…”

Zombie #1: “Braaaaiinnns!”

Zombie #3: “Hang on are we doing Romero zombies or Return of the Living Dead zombies? Because Romero zombies don’t talk.”

Director: “Will you people please just shut up?! If you’re in zombie makeup just grunt and moan! That’s it!”

Zombie #3: “Ah so we are doing Romero zombies then.”

Director: “Quiet! Action!”

Zombies: “Grrr. Arrgh.”

Woman: “I saw some more bullets in the other room! If we can just…”

(Zombie #4 saunters in from the foyer)

Zombie #4: “Hey is this 329 Oak Street? I read a Facebook invite that said something about the city zombie walk finishing here for some kind of movie thing. Oh hi Todd! Hey Angela! Awesome zombie bra!”

Director: “Cut! Damn it!”

Meanwhile on another film set:

Doctor Doom: “Curse you Optimus Prime! If you hadn’t shot down my Spider-Rocket I wouldn’t be stranded here on this desert island!”

Optimus Prime: “It wasn’t my fault. My control panel went haywire after we entered the Bermuda Triangle. Isn’t that right R2-D2?”

R2-D2: “Bleep! Whirrr!”

Doctor Doom: “Look out! The tide is coming in again!”

(Lego Island sinks into the churning depths only to rise to the surface again moments later.)

Doctor Doom: (gagging coughing and spitting) “Why does it keep doing that?”

Harry Potter: “This island is unstable! It must be an electromagnetic disturbance coming from the legendary 90-foot sock monster! Look! There it is!”

Sock Monster: “GRRRRRRAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!”

Voice: (knocking on door) “Tyler sweetie! Have you seen my cellphone?”

Director: “I’m using it to make a movie mom!”

Voice: “OK but be quick and don’t drop it in the bathtub! Mommy needs to make a phone call.”

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