I. Black Sabbath’s Back
Here’s my imagined scenario: Ozzy Osbourne mistakenly downloaded Lou Reed and Metallica’s Lulu when he was trying to figure out iTunes and decided to give the album a spin. The combination of surly but generic metal riffs and Reed’s incoherent old-man ramblings reignited Ozzy’s passion for metal and thus the Black Sabbath reunion was born. Whether that’s how it happened will remain a mystery but the fact is that Black Sabbath have promised a new album and world tour in 2012. And I promise it won’t be very good.
II. Pray For Cain
If you’ve seen Herman Cain’s viral campaign video — the one where Mark Block slowly exhales his cigarette as overly patriotic butt rock plays in the background — you know that it looked like a direct tribute to Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job . The show’s Tim Heidecker thought so too and repaid the favour with a nine-song album called Cainthology: Songs in the Key of Cain . The album reimagines Cain as a Christ-like hero and his make believe virtues are put on display through soft rockin’ hits like “Ride the Cain Train” “Cain Mutiny” “Pray for Cain” and “Cain is Able.”
III. Love’s Topless Rage
It’s been a little while since Courtney Love reminded us just how batshit insane she is but she really hammered the point home during a recent Hole performance in Sao Paulo Brazil. After a fan held up a picture of Kurt Cobain she lost her mind reportedly shouting “I don’t need to see a picture of Kurt asshole… I’m not Kurt I have to live with his shit and his ghost and his kid every day and throwing that up is stupid and rude and I’m going to beat the fuck out of you if you do it again.” At other points in the show she tore into the Foo Fighters and tore off her own shirt. Welcome back Courtney!
IV. Lonely Island’s Legal Trouble
Saturday Night Live goofs The Lonely Island have created two of the best musical comedy albums this side of Bad Hair Day but Aleric Banks and Monique Hines filed a lawsuit against Andy Samberg and co. citing unpaid royalties for production on “Like a Boss” and “Shy Ronnie.” Frankly I’m not surprised — both Lonely Island records are full of lush beats that sound mega-expensive.
V. R. Kelly The Book
Aside from crafting freaky sex anthems and dodging incredibly creepy equally freaky legal charges R. Kelly is also a master at titling things. I last reported that the pervy pop prince had named his next album Black Panties but the title of his upcoming memoir is even better. It’s called Soula Coaster: The Diary of Me and Kellz promises to dish on both the good and bad from his gigolo-esque life. You won’t be riding the Soula Coaster for Christmas however as the book was pushed back to spring 2012.
