SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 – DEC. 21)
The full moon on Friday means there’s no escaping the light of truth this weekend especially when it’s starin’ you down from across the zodiac. And like the morning after a bad night at the bar things don’t always look so good when they’re well lit. Own up to what you’ve done or your troubles have only begun!
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 – JAN. 19)
As much as everyone dreams of perfect love this is Earth. Ain’t nothin’ perfect down here. Sooner or later your love’ll look your way and you won’t see their smile just the booger hangin’ from their nose (metaphorically and/or literally). If you can deal with tellin’ ’em or wipin’ it away then what’s the problem? It’s as close to perfect as you’re gonna get.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 18)
Your (relatively) calm cool and collected poise will change this week as your demeanour turns into de-meaner. Fur fists and a lotta other things starting with “F” will fly out of fear someone’s tryin’ to fetter you. Just make sure it’s them you wanna fight and not actually your fear or you could find you’ve finished a friendship that’s dear!
PISCES (FEB. 19 – MARCH 20)
Quit bein’ in such a hurry. Although it’s not the way you’d rather do it right now remember Aesop’s turtle tale. Slow and steady wins the race while impulsive and volatile blows up in your face.
ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 19)
Attention Aries! This weekend cosmic interference will scramble your self-confidence sonar. Do not I repeat do not let other people’s ideas sway you at this time. Believe in yourself and in what you’re driven to do or else some really bad choices will likely ensue!
TAURUS (APRIL 20 – MAY 20)
No matter how total a triumph may be it won’t withstand the test of time if you think too hedonistically. F-U-N spells “you lose” so it’s decaf non-alcoholic drug-free and lo-cal you should choose. There’s give-and-take in everything and the more you wanna take the more you have to give… up.
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 20)
Right now everything boils down to whether or not you’re in touch with your heart and what you feel about what you’re doin’. If it ain’t what you want in your life then what the heck are you doin’ holdin’ onto it? Life like your attention span is too short. Why waste any of it?
CANCER (JUNE 21 – JULY 22)
When you’re finally solid in your standing and you’ve got it together is exactly when you’ll be visited by stormy cosmic weather. Like the weather ’round here it’s pretty unpredictable so you be ready when it hits. The difference between life and death could be a toque coat and mitts!
LEO (JULY 23 – AUG. 22)
Y’know a life in the lap of luxury is a dream that any loser can have. Just look at the lotto. It’s the people who pursue that dream and persevere through tons of toil that make it a reality. The sooner you get off your ass and do the same thing the sooner it’ll happen to you.
VIRGO (AUG. 23 – SEPT. 22)
Justice is served nice ’n’ toasty warm when at last you are recognized for your perceptive observations. Congrats but don’t get a swelled head. Your bulging brow will block your view and you won’t see what you need to see the most: that it’s time to move on.
LIBRA (SEPT. 23 – OCT. 22)
In these times of economic oppression sometimes you have to jump into bed with the devil even if it doesn’t make you feel too good about yourself. This weekend you’ll find out why it was worth it. You’ll be so happy you’ll even be able to look at yourself in the mirror. Lucky for you you’re so darn cute!
SCORPIO (OCT. 23 – NOV. 21)
Just when you thought you had too much… you get more! Wow! You must’ve done something killer what with karma bein’ so kind to you. And it just keeps comin’ ’n’ comin’ too! Whatever you’re doin’ keep it up and it could continue even longer!
