Robo Vampire. Robo Vampire? Robo Vampire!

That title again is Robo Vampire.

Today I’m going to tell you about a film called Robo Vampire (1988) because… well because a ridiculous movie called Robo Vampire exists and you need to hear about it. I mean come on.

Things get off to a running start when a bunch of dudes walk by some old Chinese coffins which fly open releasing a bunch of killer snakes. The guys kill the snakes with their machine guns (oh did I forget to mention? They have machine guns.) and things look okay until the Chinese hopping vampires appear.

Some of you know about Chinese vampires but for those of you who don’t these creatures are decaying creeps dressed in formal Qing dynasty robes who hold their arms out like a sleepwalker and hop around like they’ve got their shoelaces tied together. They hunt for living victims and can be paralyzed by sticking paper charms on their foreheads. There are loads of crazy movies featuring these monsters and if you check out the horror/comedy classic Mr. Vampire (1985) you’ll not only learn everything you need to know about the beasties but you’ll also be tremendously entertained. Okay everybody up to speed on Chinese hopping vampires? Good.

Anyways all those guys from the first scene are now dead (including the vampires who were dead to begin with so they don’t count) so the title Robo Vampire flashes across the screen in a very inexpensive font and we cut to a new storyline as a square-jawed Anglo lawman known as “that damn Anti-Drug agent Tom” kicks some bad guy’s asses out in the Philippines or some place. This dude’s generic heroism angers the local drug lord “Yeung” who decides to fix Tom’s wagon by hiring a Taoist monk to sic some hopping vampires on him. He outlines this plan to a bunch of complacent henchmen who don’t even mention how weird this order is. If my boss commanded me to contact a holy man in order to unleash an undead horde against a narcotics officer I’d have some questions but hey.

Have you ever noticed that coffins containing Chinese hopping vampires are always in the care of obnoxious comic relief characters whose wacky bumbling invariably releases the monsters from their containment spells? Happens every time. Happens this time too. I’m not too sure why one of the coffins also contains a live snake and a guinea pig. That’s just a bonus I guess. (Experts on Asian coffin hamsters are welcome to write in and explain this to me.) In any case once the hopping vampires are on the loose the Taoist priest in traditional yellow robes leaps in and fixes the vampire outbreak with kung fu. Nicely done.

Then we’re back to the “war on drugs” jungle footage as the baddies slice open the belly of a real cow (!) in order to stuff it full of drug baggies. Yuck.

What’s that you say? This movie isn’t strange enough yet? Well settle down you freak because the chesty ghost who’s in love with a gorilla vampire is about to show up. Yeah I thought that would get your attention. A lady ghost in a see-through top argues with the Taoist priest because he turned the ghost’s lover into a “vampire beast” which is really just a standard hopping vampire wearing a novelty gorilla mask. After a brief fight the Taoist decides that this loving couple is weird enough to ignore whatever bestiality/necrophilia taboos might exist and agrees to let them marry. Dawww.

Meanwhile agent Tom gets ambushed by vampires who kill him with sleeve fireworks. (I don’t know how else to describe it — the vamp shoots fireworks out of his sleeve and they kill Tom. Sleeve fireworks.) He’s rushed to a medical facility is declared dead on arrival and gets transformed into an avenging law-enforcing robot right then and there.

Thirty-six minutes into this move we finally get to see a phony Robocop fight a gorilla vampire and yes that scene is as awesome as it sounds. The costumes worn by both combatants would get laughed out of all but the lamest Halloween parties but that doesn’t matter because we’ve crossed the schlock event horizon and the film is now so shitty that it’s brilliant.

Director Godfrey Ho (here credited as “Joe Livingstone”) has made over 100 movies (I’m sorry did I say movies? I meant “godawful pieces of crap”) but believe me this is the one you want to seek out. Wow.