FFWD REW

You will believe a man can Argo

Tacky and hilarious Fantastic Argoman will blow your mind man.

He’s the superhero who stole the Mona Lisa. He’s a serial date-rapist who levitates women into his bachelor pad even when scores of willing beauties throw themselves at him. He has seemingly unstoppable telekinetic powers that stop working whenever he has sex which is all the time. He is Argoman star of one of the silliest most enjoyable Euro spy thrillers you’ll ever see.

Fantastic Argoman (also known as The Incredible Paris Incident 1967) begins in uncharacteristically grim fashion as a Chinese firing squad prepares to execute a prisoner. The sombre mood is leavened somewhat by the fact that the prisoner is wearing yellow tights a red cape a hypno-spiral emblazoned balaclava and an awesome pair of visor-style punk sunglasses. Suddenly the dude’s eyes light up and the riflemen all kill each other. Argoman (for it is he) laughs at the slaughter snaps his handcuffs like they were made of liquorice steals a car and drives to… England?! That can’t be right….

But yes we rejoin the story in England where Scotland Yard is baffled by the inexplicable robbery of the crown of St. Edward. The cops are convinced that it’s the work of that dastardly super thief Argoman (…wait he’s a villain? That explains a lot!) but then the crown arrives via FedEx with a card signed by “Jenabell — Queen of the World” stating that she’ll be stealing a giant laser diamond next.

Oh did we mention that there’s a giant laser diamond? Of course there is.

Enough of this ineffectual Scotland Yard buffoonery! Let’s get back to Argoman (lantern-jawed Roger Browne) the slick superhero who apparently steals priceless artifacts for fun. (He does indeed have the Mona Lisa.) Argoman is horny and is flipping through channels on his TV trying to choose his next lover from a selection of “the world’s most beautiful women.” After dismissing three hotties for looking too foreign he settles on the lovely Samantha (Nadia Marlowa) and his TV set immediately delivers a live feed to her home where she’s taking a bath. What the hell? He’s got a camera set up in this woman’s bathroom so he can summon her for a booty call on a moment’s notice? Samantha briefly surprised by Argoman’s long-distance intrusion squeals with delight at the prospect of bedding him again and runs off to get dressed.

So while he’s waiting for Samantha he gets bored and just steals a woman who passes by his ultramodern beachfront lair. He just reaches out with his mental powers and lifts a hot babe out of a passing hovercraft (!!!) and she gently glides to his side where he puts the moves on her. Any possibility that this guy is not a habitual date-rapist goes out the window when he proposes an unusual archery contest. If she wins she gets jewelry a new car and will be “allowed to leave the villa.” If he wins well he just points to his ultramodern sex-bed dangling from ceiling strings like a pubic lice-infected porch swing. Gah!

Instead of screaming for the police like a sensible person the girl loses on purpose sexes our hero up and goes on her merry way. Just who is this carefree hovercraft-piloting beauty? Why none other than Jenabell (Dominique Boschero) the self-styled Queen of the World of course!

Jenabell immediately robs the Bank of England and Argoman is helpless to stop her thanks to the fact that he can’t use his powers for six hours after making love. He gives it a try though and with the help of the lovely Samantha (remember her? The video-phone hookup who arrived too late to get sex but still gets to be the sidekick?) he sneaks into an armoured car full of costumed thugs. A few miles down the road a goon finally looks to his left and realizes that the guy next to him isn’t wearing black vinyl so the whole gang beats him up until… tadaa! Six hours are up! He instantly transforms into his yellow jammies and defeats the gang with the only fighting move he ever uses; he lifts both fists straight into the air while a crowd of baddies fly away from him to the sound of a “pow!”

Sweet Jesus I’m almost out of room and I haven’t even gotten to the good stuff yet! The second half of this film is crammed full of crazy Argoman antics as the caddish hero infiltrates Jenabell’s secret lair and saves Samantha from a rape-robot who has guns for fingers. One villain tries to commit suicide by leaping from a window only to be saved by Argoman’s telekinetic powers but then gets dropped again when the hero gets distracted. Fantastic Argoman is ridiculous eye-popping fun from start to finish and is well worth your time.

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