VIRGO (AUG. 23 — SEPT. 22) With Summer coolin’ off the rainy season’s on its way and with it a thunderin’ typhoon of temptation. You can’t harness it but that storm sure is one helluva ride! Just try to hold on for 10 seconds or they’ll send a clown out to save your ass! Who’ll look like the joker then?
LIBRA (SEPT. 23 — OCT. 22) You Librans are aesthetic athletes. If there was a decoratin’ decathlon in the Olympics you’d probably kick Martha Stewart’s ass in everything except the centrepiece shot put. The problem is she’s paid to practice prettyin’ up the place while your improvathons come couresty your own cash. So be careful.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23 — NOV. 21) The tide has ebbed and now it’s flowing. Right over your head. That’s what you get for sleeping on the beach. It may be an abrupt and uncomfortable way to wake up what with salty water goin’ up your nose but at least you didn’t drown. This time.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 — DEC. 21) The more money you make the more you spend. The more you spend the more you have. The more you have the more you need. The more you need the more you work. The more you work the more you make. Ever watch a dog chase its tail? Sure it’s fun but….
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 — JAN. 19) So you’ve got it all figured out do ya? All that experience has shown you exactly the way things work right? Well when opportunity knocks who says it’s going to be on the door? And if it knocks on something else are you sure you’ll know how to open it?
AQAURIUS (JAN. 20 — FEB. 19) Love is a wonderful thing. There’s nothing more beautiful than the birds and the bees. The problem with them is they’ll fly away on you. But then that’s what you get for fallin’ in love with a bug or a bird-brain isn’t it?
PISCES (FEB. 19 — MARCH 20) All right no BS here. It’s time for a change and you know it. This time it’s up to you to do it. Sure it’ll make things a little harder on you (and you a little harder on things) but at least you’ll still be the boss. If they don’t like it they can lump it. It’s no big loss.
ARIES (MARCH 21 — APRIL 19) Five’ll get ya 20 that givin’ up is the way to go. On the big roulette Wheel of Fortune you might be able to guess the number but the colour too? Doubtfully. Gambling is the art of goin’ with the gut. Quit tryin’ to figure it out. Just put your money down and let that baby ride!
TAURUS (APRIL 20 — MAY 20) It’s gotten so bad on this block that it’s time for you to take on the bully huh? Well maybe you better work out a bit before you bite. In other words if you’re gonna go on the offensive you better get pumped unless you wanna get thumped.
GEMINI (MAY 21 — JUNE 20) Hey speedy. The door ain’t going to be open that long so you’re going to have to be as fast as quicksilver if you want to jump into that opening. It’s a good thing you’re ruled by Mercury. You know the God in the brain bucket with wings on his feet and a part-time job delivering flowers. He’ll help you out.
CANCER (JUNE 21 — JULY 22) You’ll likely lose some friends this weekend but don’t worry about it. Why? Well if you lose ‘em they weren’t really yours in the first place. And now that you know where they stand you won’t be trippin’ over ‘em any more.
LEO (JULY 23 — AUG. 22) You’ve been kinda fat and lazy lately but it’s cool ‘cause you earned it. You are after all the king of the jungle. The problem is it looks like your reign has dried out and someone else is squirting your flowers. What are you gonna do about it?
