Trivial changes for a better world

When we sat down for our editorial meeting to plan the first-ever Big Ideas issue of Fast Forward Weekly we were asked to dream big coming up with grand schemes that will change our city and ultimately our world. While I’m all about fixing shit holding hands and letting our PMA reign supreme I can’t help but think on a much smaller scale. After all we live in a city with a mayor who retweets missing cat reports. So before we get all KONY on saving the universe let’s zoom in a little on the meddling minutiae that would make life that much easier without. As the popular hemp tote bag maxim goes think globally/act locally.

ENFORCE GROCERY SHOPPING SCHEDULES

I know that stay-at-home parents and retirees need groceries as much as the rest of us but they have all week to pick up their Arrowroot cookies and baby/adult diapers. We need to ease the traffic in the aisles and particularly the apocalyptic parking lots for those of us who only make it to the market on weekends. As such we should establish a rule where if you’re not working you buy all of your supplies on weekdays. Deal with your tantrum-throwing toddlers take your sweet time analyzing every onion gaze deeply into the coupon wall. That’s no problem just save the weekend shopping for those of us who only have the weekends available.

NO MORE LOTTERY TICKETS AT CONVENIENCE STORES

I’ve never purchased a lottery ticket at a 7-11 (I go there for taquitos and taquitos only) but I’d imagine that you probably don’t have to buy multiple lottery tickets all in one go. There’s nothing worse than having your shoes stuck to the floor while you wait for some inconsiderate goon who wins $10 and decides to keep playing until they’ve used it all up. At the risk of not striking it big when someone in front of me wins millions I propose gas stations offer a different till specifically for the gambling-addicted and let me buy my blue whales in peace. (Okay I also hit up Sev for blue whales.)

BAN OVERHEAD COMPARTMENTS

Waiting in long lines for sweet sweet junk food is one thing but it’s even worse when your flight has just landed and you have to wait for countless slowpokes to clumsily nab their enormous suitcases-on-wheels from above. There’s simply no need for it — everything you need to travel with should be able to fit under the seat in front of you. I highly doubt you were going to change into a suit charge your laptop and read six novels on a four-hour flight anyway. I move we ban overhead compartments collect our shit off the ground in front of us and get off the plane already.

NO MORE VANITY PLATES

Do you know what a lot of outsiders think about us Calgarians? They think that we make so much money that we’re literally at a loss for how to spend it. That might be true for some of you but that’s a pretty shitty impression to be giving off no? And nothing says “I light my cigars with $50 bills” like a vanity plate. So next time you buy yet another Range Rover and you’re sitting at the motor vehicle registry show a little restraint and fight the inexplicable temptation to drive around with a banner that reads “LILQTPI” or “HOT2TROT.” If you really want to burn some cash just give it to a homeless person. Or a near-homeless person like me.

BAN GEOBLOCKING

Yes that beautiful bastard the Internet is killing off media business models and that means big corporations are working hard to give the people what they want while combating online piracy. As a result websites like Hulu offer tons and tons of free online content available for the conscientious streamers out there including at times cut sketches from SNL and behind-the-scenes material from other shows. The problem? Various legal reasons make it so that much of the online content coming from the States is “geoblocked” in Canada. I don’t know what UN meeting I have to picket to get that lifted but the bottom line is that the torrent sites sure look a lot more appealing when that message pops up on the screen.

CONTROL YOUR BODY AT THE MOVIES

I recently went to a preview screening of Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln biopic but I can’t really give you a clear indication of what it was about (slavery I assume). The reason? I couldn’t hear most of the dialogue. Not only was the sound way too low (a pet peeve I could write thousands of words about) but I couldn’t make out most sentences due to a packed house of loudmouthed adults coughing and chewing with their mouths open. When they weren’t doing that they were getting up to use the bathroom and refill their drinks only to ask their partners to explain what they missed. At one point the man behind me audibly belched then said “Sorry.” More often than not the current movie-going experience is an argument against movie-going experiences and I’m one hacked up popcorn kernel away from standing up on my chair and delivering an impassioned chastisement. It wouldn’t have to be that way if you’d just sit down and shut up.

THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT WHILE IN LINE

Speaking of Lincoln here’s another self-evident truth that doesn’t seem to register with the many mouth-breathers out there: when you’re in line at a fast food restaurant a coffee shop or even the movie theatre snack counter think about what you want while you’re waiting for your turn to order. Too many times I’ve been stuck behind someone with performance anxiety at the till. There are giant signs with pictures descriptions and prices for the various items available at that establishment. And speaking of prices unless you’ve been held captive in a windowless basement for the last two decades you should know by now that lattes cost $4 and movie popcorn is expensive as shit. Get used to it plan accordingly and get your life in order.

INVEST IN LARGER COFFEE STATIONS

When do most people buy coffee? When they’re on their way to work and more often than not when they’re running late for work. That means coffee in hand they need to fill it with whatever crap they pour in there ram a lid on it and motor out of there to avoid the wrath of their higher-ups. But something getting in the way of that seemingly simple task is the fact that coffee cream tables are built for only one person to use at a time and that person is usually a klutz with two left hands and thumbs for fingers. If the tables were made bigger and more easily accessible we could grab a lid and a stir stick without waiting for some clueless caveman to fumble his way around the metal cream canister while he talks shop with his inevitably slow-talking friends.

SHUT UP FOR ONCE

Seriously stop saying so much inane garbage all the time especially “So keeping out of trouble?” Walk around Bankers Hall during any given workweek and you’ll hear that exact drone-like exchange. “So keeping out of trouble?” followed by “You know me I’m the one making the trouble!” Everyone needs to say something worthwhile or just shut up. Including me.

Too petty? Check out our list of big ideas .

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