Also: Arnie takes a stand your English teacher takes a nap
If you live in Calgary and you heard that a big movie called Broken City was opening this weekend you’d have a lot to think about. How can a local bar become the grounds for a widely released drama? Between leading men Mark Wahlberg and Russell Crowe who will play Zak Pashak? Will the story of bearded dudes and their denim-clad lady friends doing shots and sipping on Lucky’s really make for an entertaining two hours?
Of course one quick peek at the trailer reveals that this flick is not about the inception of Punk Rock Bingo or Sunday night karaoke nor is it about the hemming and hawing that goes into subtle changes on the menu.
Instead Broken City looks like a by-the-numbers crime drama. Mark “say hi to your mother for me” Wahlberg stars as Billy Taggart a former cop hired by New York City Mayor Nicholas Hostetler (a nicely bronzed Russell Crowe) to track his wife Emily Barlow (Catherine Zeta-Jones) who he expects is cheating. But wait there’s more. Once he starts tracking her he becomes entangled in some sort of complex corruption and he’s in too deep. Oh the intrigue!
While it looks like a serviceable movie the Broken City trailer also feels so familiar that I was digging around to see when the original Broken City came out and who helmed the reboot. It’s an original flick however directed by the Hughes brothers (no not me and my brothers — our movie would be one giant elaborate fart joke) who previously helmed The Book of Eli and From Hell . I’m predicting mixed reviews and a ton of bros high-fiving at the theatre.
The top pick for a friendly chongo night at the movies however has got to be the return of Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Last Stand a movie that looks so incredibly stupid that it just might work. Since The Expendables and The Expendables 2 (and soon The Expendables 3 !) weren’t enough to win him a spot back in our hearts the weathered and leathery washout has returned to play a small-town sheriff pushed over ze edge when a drug cartel who busted out of a courthouse starts stirring shit up.
To fight crime Schwarz is forced to deliver one-liners and fire countless rounds of ammunition from a school bus for some reason. Also those one-liners are absurdly bad — at a key moment in the trailer the bad guy with a fucked-up eye (there’s also a good guy with a fucked-up eye played by Forest Whitaker natch) asks “Who are you?” Arnold’s epic reply? “I am the sheriff.” With dialogue like that I can all but guarantee that he’ll also say “I’m getting too old for this shit.”
Add in a seemingly useless co-starring credit from Johnny Knoxville who literally makes better movies with his dick and there’s a chance we could be looking at the year’s dumbest movie. If you hate your brain cells sit through The Last Stand while cramming your face with mind-numbing high-fructose corn syrup or better yet aspartame. You can sit beside me and we’ll leave talking like lobotomy victims as drool streams down our faces.
The other major release this week is for that select group of people who don’t pay attention to art house movies but would really like something slightly more sophisticated than the bullshit I’ve been peddling so far in this column. For you I’m happy to report that the big-screen adaptation of On the Road is finally opening in Calgary.
Directed by The Motorcycle Diaries main man Walter Salles and starring Twilight harlot Kristen Stewart wide-mouthed Country Strong guy Garrett Hedlund and Control ’s Ian Curtis impersonator Sam Riley the film’s lukewarm reception shouldn’t matter to those wanting to feel a little bit smarter at the multiplex.
When it comes to On the Road however the real winners are next year’s high school students who will have yet another DVD to nap through when their English teacher’s feeling particularly hung over. Lucky shits.
