FFWD REW

Casiotone for the forever alone

Depressing songs for every unloved personality type

Some call it a Hallmark holiday. Others still will call it an invention of the romance industrial complex. Whatever the case Valentine’s Day is a testy subject for the perpetually alone: It’s a time when your shortcomings — emotional physical psychosocial whatever — are exaggerated. It’s when your typical lonely depression turns into self-righteous anger. It’s a time when you convince yourself that you don’t need romance or sex or human connection. Who needs it anyhow?

To answer that question: You. And while it’s fair to blame your stalled romantic life on stagnant dating scenes unrealistic standards or even biology here’s a cold hard fact: Your solitude is no one’s fault but your own. You and your immutable personality your inability to compromise on your petty values and your unwillingness to change are the problem. Sorry guy.

Here’s the good part though: Every personality type has its flaws. We’ve come to accept that. You should too. And to ease the process we’ve developed a soothing anti-Valentine’s playlist catering to every personality type. (Note: We used the personality types from the Enneagram system a rubric determining social archetypes.) So join us in listening to these songs because if we’re going to be alone forever we might as well be alone forever together.

THE PERFECTIONIST

Your flaw: You’re an insufferable nitpicker who sets completely unreasonable standards. Your romantic failure? You’re rigid and your partners — cough exes — felt so judged they couldn’t comfortably be naked in your presence. You hate them for it but believe us: They hate you more.

Your song: The Smiths’s “Girlfriend in a Coma” a track that half feigns tender love half brims with cheekily murderous intent.

THE HELPER

Your flaw: You’re the heartbeat of your social group. Which is good but behind closed doors you want others to need you — and resultingly you’re a clingy attention-starved egomaniac who suffocates anyone who dares get close. Remember the cryers at high-school house parties? Yeah those were helpers.

Your song: The viral YouTube reboot of Justin Bieber’s “Boyfriend” the chorus of which declared that “I’d never let you leave / Without a small recording device taped under your sleeve.”

THE PERFORMER

Your flaw: You’re basically a publicist. You’re excellent at acting your way to the top but on the flip side you’re cold deceitful and conniving. Anyone who gets to know you well enough — like say your mom — knows you have no soul.

Your song: Daniel Romano’s “I’m Not Crying Over You” in which the country writer admits that he doesn’t cry in earnest; he acts.

THE ROMANTIC

Your flaw: You’re sensitive. We get it. You feel love hatred anguish loss and victory more deeply than the rest of us. You’ve likely channeled these sensitivities into a creative pursuit — writing music painting — and while you may consider yourself an artist the rest of us see you as an unemployed adult baby.

Your song: “Your Hand in Mine” by Explosions in the Sky. It’s over-sentimental overdramatic and as song narratives go serves no specific function. Like you.

THE OBSERVER

Your flaw: You’re a highly intelligent philosopher king (or queen) but you’re so incredibly introverted fragile and self-loathing that no one would know it. You see yourself as a sexy librarian or a dreamy professor but the rest of us are afraid that you’re getting a little too intimate with your many many cats.

Your song: The Weakerthans’s “Left and Leaving” a song in which duct tape is lonely sidewalks watch people years drown and its protagonist the ever-mousy John K. Samson is left behind by a lover. Sound familiar?

THE SKEPTIC

Your flaw: You consider your distrust of people and ideas healthy. Much of the time it is. But when it comes to love you’re paranoid (and controlling) of any potential partner — and their past — and watch them with obsessive vigilance. You’ll accuse them of infidelity so intensely that one of two things will happen: You’ll force your partner to either cheat on you or get a restraining order. Likely both.

Your song: Easy. Hall and Oates’s “Private Eye.” Or Yacht Club’s “A Little Messed Up.” Or… Jesus you’re creepy.

THE EPICURE

Your flaw: You’re an idealistic dreamer and a quiet revolutionary who achieves enlightenment by constantly drinking from the well of human experience. You envision yourself as a new age progressive ideologue; others see you as a pederast cult leader who lives on a houseboat in Thailand. You’re feared for both your sketchy past and your myriad diseases.

Your song: Enya Peter Gabriel or anything Sting might play during a 19-hour sex marathon.

THE BOSS

Your flaw: You’re domineering power hungry and in control and have an insatiable appetite for money experience and sex. While this makes you a professional success most of us think you’re straight outta American Psycho . Your former “fuck receptacles” — hey you invented the term not us — told us that in private you love to dress in full Nazi regalia. We believed them.

Your song: Rammstein’s “Du Hast” to be played while snorting a line off your mirrored coffee table.

THE MEDIATOR

Your flaw: You fear conflict but most find you reasonable pragmatic non-partisan accepting and non-confrontational. Read over those adjectives again. You’re the human embodiment of vanilla. You’re an old white male even if you’re female. Your wardrobe choices can best be described as “smart and sensible.” So the real question: Would you even want to sleep with yourself?

Your song: Anything by Oates and Garfunkel were they a real band and not a comedy act.

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