The best and the rest of the breasts

Oh there are so so many mainstream movies mined to create wonderful pornographic parodies. Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy . Beaver & Buttface . Buttman and Throbbin . The Erotic Adventures of Dickman and Throbbin . Honey I Blew Everybody . Flesh Gordon . Super Hornio Brothers . Cherry Poppins . Italian Batman ….

Generally my opinion of pornography is: “nasty!” But I do like a good joke poorly executed on yellowed film stock and nothing does that more earnestly than parody pornography. Pornarodaphydy. Let’s begin shall we? My top three and my bottom two.

Third place: Extra Terrestrian: Die Ausserirdische . This 1996 Austro-German collaboration translates as Extra-Terrestrial: The Alien but is referred to in North America as E.T. The Porno more than any other E.T. porno. More than E.T. Keep Up the Lust or Ron Jeremy’s E~3: The Extra Testicle .

Set in imperial Prussia E.T. The Porno appears to feature a group of public access TV Jane Austen Classics actors who spend as much time and emotion talking about tea and doilies as they do humping.

The Extra Terrestrian is a thin female actress trapped in a disgusting green alien suit that makes her look as much like the burn victim from Beetlejuice as E.T. She comes to Earth to explore naturally and after happening upon the tea-and-doilies friends she is introduced to mundane domestic concepts and then the bedroom. She says she likes this touching-rubbing thing but there is of course no way to tell this because if she moves too much the E.T. mask would have fallen off. When they’re done she re-boards her spaceship and everyone waves goodbye.

Runner-up: Caligula . Not really a parody because it was meant to be a mainstream Roman epic. Written by Gore Vidal starring Malcolm McDowell Helen Mirren the late great Peter O’Toole and a lot of loose Italians. Yes it’s a fairly big budget fairly accurate period piece about the fourth roman emperor featuring classical music but it’s so much more. Incest poo noisy puking hermaphroditic dwarf orgies and sheep. Totally disgusting. Very well acted.

And my favourite parody pornography: Gums . I have to give an honourable mention to Flesh Gordon but I haven’t actually seen it and have to rely on mom’s description of how funny she thought it was. Anyway Gums .

Gums is a Jaws parody about a mermaid who bites men’s genitals off. Suckers! Why is this movie so good? Because Quint is a Nazi named Captain Clitoris played by Brother Theodore (Uncle Reuben in The ’Burbs ); it contains an extended all-puppet sex scene; it has gross hairy ’70s sex (of course); and terrible puns. Spoiler alert — they kill her with dynamite.

The worst: Las Tortugas Pinjas . Just four assholes in turtle masks pestering a woman for sex. I could see that in my backyard. Plus lost points for a title that is literally The Ninja Turtles or sort of Pirate-Ninja Turtles . The closest match they could make in Spanish. Those poor Mexican children who might have been looking forward to Mexican Ninja Turtles. Pinjas they are not nor are they Tortugas.

A Clockwork Orgy. Why bother? Why take a great atmospheric terrifying movie directed by one of the most interesting directors of the time when he still had something to prove starring one of the best psycho-Cockney actors of the time (also the star of Caligula ) dealing with sociopathic violence and sexual assault and make it into a cheap pretentious roll-around starring a group of grimy losers who have never heard of A Clockwork Orange ? The acting in the orgy is so bad they deserve nothing from me. Nothing! Cute title though.

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