ARIES (MARCH 21 — APRIL 19) The universe is like a big ol’ thresher constantly separatin’ the wheat from chaff. Sometimes the only way to do so is through pain and the universe’ll flail shake and beat up each li’l grain. Remember when the cosmos gives your melon a rap it’s just trying knock loose some of your crap!
TAURUS (APRIL 20 — MAY 20) You may fancy yourself as a Ferdinand the friendly bull who wanted to chill and sniff flowers in every field. Be careful where you whiff the next couple of weeks or one of those sniffs could be your last. To most farmers with firearms trespassin’ is trespassin’. Certain fields you should just pass by or you risk bein’ a bull wearin’ a bull’s eye!
GEMINI (MAY 21 — JUNE 20) Like a neoclassical composer with a free-jazz background you hear a whole other type of harmony. Where most folks can only conceive chaotic cacophony you hear a sublime symphony. This week pick up whatever instrument’s at hand ’cause you don’t know how to play to jam with the band!
CANCER (JUNE 21 — JULY 22) You’re like a prisoner planning an escape without knowin’ the parole board’s reviewin’ your case. You could bust out easily but then you’d be a fugitive and that ain’t bein’ free. Serve your time while the wheels of bureaucracy spin so when you leave it won’t be to go into hidin’!
LEO (JULY 23 — AUG. 22) It’s time to show the cosmos how cool a cat you really are by keepin’ your calm even when a joke goes too far. Karma can play pranks on you too y’know and you’ll be the butt of the joke if you let your temper blow. Laughin’ at yourself will earn you crazy respect and make your life easier than you’d ever expect!
VIRGO (AUG. 23 — SEPT. 22) Y’know the saying how dope is for dopes? Well this week “nope” is for dopes. As in “nope don’t want it” “nope can’t do it” “nope ain’t gonna work” or “nope not gonna start.” You’d be amazed at how easy things are once you make that change of heart!
LIBRA (SEPT. 23 — OCT. 22) If Batman’s nemesis Two Face was a real person he’d be a Libra. Nothing changes behaviour as quickly as really seeing two sides of the issue at the same time. That’s why this week when the cosmos piles on the strife you can always see it ain’t much better on the flip side of life!
SCORPIO (OCT. 23 — NOV. 21) This week you’ll feel like a closing shift supervisor in a fast-food joint — you’re the flunky who gets 50 cents an hour more for havin’ more responsibility with no additional authority. Best let things be. You’re a glorified short-order cook after all. Try to flex too hard and you’ll feel real small!
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 — DEC. 21) As a fire sign you should know better than to work wood when it’s wet. It may seem savvy while the supply of dry kindlin’ is dwindlin’ but it ain’t worth the fight to ignite something so soggy. Concentrate on keeping your own embers alive ’cause soon you’ll find firewood on which you can thrive!
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 — JAN. 19) Know what happens when you’re too concerned with covering your ass? You stand in the corner and watch all the good stuff zip past. Don’t let it happen to you this week. Shirley MacLaine may be a new agey flake but she ain’t just jivin’ when she says “if you want the fruit you’ve gotta go out on a limb!”
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 — FEB. 18) Wanna sell your soul to further your career but the horn-headed dude fills your pants with fear? Well you can’t cheat an honest person and that goes double for El Diablo. If Homer Simpson can find a loophole to get out of a contract with Mephistopheles you should be able to do it with ease. This week it’s up to you to have your doughnut and eat it too!
PISCES (FEB. 19 — MARCH 20) The universe is graciously giving you one last chance to back out so here’s where you make your exit if you still have doubts. Not that you have reason for them. Yeah it seems like a huge obstacle you need to surpass but if you work like a dogfish the cosmos’ll help you kick ass!