Cruisin’ the Cosmos – week of Dec. 4 2014

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 — DEC. 21) When folks find out you’ve had a windfall they’ll do their best to scoop it up themselves. That’s why despite your optimism about humanity’s honesty and good intentions you’d best wise up before Jupiter goes retrograde this week. You don’t want to inherit the Earth just what you’ve got comin’ so don’t you dare be too generous or meek!

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 — JAN. 19) Goats are solitary creatures mostly ’cause like how do you stand on a two-millimetre crag of a cliff with all four hooves and still have room to accommodate another? You can’t. So um why spend all your time tryin’? It would be better used to rustle up some food on that crag instead if you were to use your horny head!

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 — FEB. 18) If you’re feelin’ frazzled and your workload has you dazzled don’t descend into despair. You can take your mind off your troubles by puttin’ your nose to the grindstone after the weekend starts especially with Mars meeting you around Friday too. Whistle while you work and before you know it your frown’ll turn into a smirk!

PISCES (FEB. 19 — MARCH 20) Don’t get carried away with your wild dreams ’n’ schemes ’cause things may not be as clear as they seem. After all when it comes down to it you’re still waitin’ for the word and if you act too quick you’ll likely look like a turd. Just keep truckin’ away at your daily biz and regularly remind yourself that whatever is is.

ARIES (MARCH 21 — APRIL 19) This week boredom’ll be the puppet master pullin’ your strings and you’ll be tempted to do some of the dumbest things. So do ’em already! That’s “normal” for having Uranus retrograde in your sign and it’s not like anyone’s gonna talk you outta it or anything. Just thank the cosmos you have those horns or hittin’ a wall would hurt twice as much as it would for the rest of us!

TAURUS (APRIL 20 — MAY 20) During the week you’ll tire of the fight and like Homer Simpson you’ll succumb to temptation and take a big bite when it ain’t right. Mmmmmm forbidden doughnut… who could resist when eatin’ it is pure bliss? Just don’t count on Marge to bail you out on this one so don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time — no matter how fun.

GEMINI (MAY 21 — JUNE 20) No one wants to fight a truly insane person so it’d be smarter to simply pass this one by. You would pretty much be squarin’ off against a chimp with poop in his hand; if you choose to engage him you’ll end up bein’ the target where that poop’s meant to land. You ain’t gettin’ that chimp to start thinkin’ you’ll just wind up stinkin’ so this week save the trouble and pass that chimp by — on the double!

CANCER (JUNE 21 — JULY 22) Hey nobody said bein’ the master of your own destiny was easy. It could be simple though if you follow your heart wherever it goes. It’s like a lantern that can show you the path in pitch black dark while steerin’ you clear of your foes. Your job is to make sure you keep it glowin’ with a steady fuel supply flowing!

LEO (JULY 23 — AUG. 22) If you ask anyone who works in a downtown office building money makes the world go ’round. So looks like you’re pretty much winnin’ since now your personal world is wildly spinnin’. You however must remain grounded and make sure you don’t get spun out. So instead of windin’ yourself up spend some of that surplus from success on chillin’ out!

VIRGO (AUG. 23 — SEPT. 22) Despite the brilliance of your brainstorm spasm seems nobody shares your enthusiasm. In fact folks seem downright unfriendly. So what? Play this one like a politician and pretend you give up so you can wait until they all forget and push it through later by pairing it with a poll-winning concept. Which of course your voters’ll be more than happy to accept!

LIBRA (SEPT. 23 — OCT. 22) You’re one smart cookie so people seek out your insight and dollars to doughnuts you’re less wrong than you are right. While this bestows on you an aura of might your brain muscles’ll get mushy from lack of a challenge or fight. You may think your mind can fend off any attack but you ain’t gonna be as strong as you think until you admit you don’t really know jack!

SCORPIO (OCT. 23 — NOV. 21) Taoism is called the watercourse way ’cause it’s about goin’ with the flow day by day. Seein’ as you’re a water sign this should be natural for you and it’s a good week to do whatever you want to. Even if it seems silly don’t dare to second guess ’cause following a crazy impulse could lead you to insane success!