Hey-hos & how’s-yr-fathers dearest of readers for me/myself/yrs trooly iz back in blecccch. It’s done been ages & ages since what time we last did communicationate w/ each other huh? Hope yer doing real swell-like & maybe even güd. Me? I’s been downrite… wait gimme a sec while I czech out what this-here “spelling + grammar” button does. Tweren’t ain’t such voodoo on my old computering machine…
…well that’s better. Huh. Who knew? I mean other than you and everybody else. I suddenly feel classy like a caveman in a tuxedo. And not a rented tux like a morally ambiguous bonobo wears to a bail hearing.
Let me start by saying how excellent it is to be back in these pages. When Fast Forward Weekly offered to rehire me on a one-week non-renewable contract I immediately countered by saying “Make it 10 years and we’ve got ourselves a deal.” In the world of high-powered negotiations that’s called “playing hardball.” The Fast Forward Weekly legal team responded by snickering and saying yeah sure whatever. In the world of high-powered negotiations that’s called “laughing behind my back only in front.” (There’s no end to the fun those guys and I have together. Why just this coming Monday we’re going to engage in some kinky role-playing: I’m going to pretend to be a guy picking up my cheque and they’re going to pretend to be an abandoned office. Our safe word is “crickets.”) Man I’m so glad I didn’t take that junior assistant gaffer gig with the Sun News Network instead and not just because I would have been contractually obligated to [verb]* E_ra Lev__t’s [noun]** during commercial breaks. Talk about a close call. The angels were working extra hard for me on that one so I can forgive them for all those times they didn’t stop me from drinking bleach. (I keep the angels on their toes so I guess I can’t expect miracles from them.) Caveat: As happy as I am to be back at Fast Forward Weekly I’m still keeping my CV on file at Bikini Village because they offer a 15 per cent staff discount on orphaned bottoms found in the change-room at closing. Only a fool would pass that up.
Figuratively I’m literally exploding with ideas for future columns. Literally I’m figuratively on fire. I’ve already filled up two notebooks with fevered scribblings and barely half of those are racy doodles of [nouns] getting good and [verbed]. Watch for these topics and many more in the weeks and years ahead:
• Science: Now that we’re (finally!) debating the conventional wisdom of whether we should vaccinate against deadly contagious diseases just because we know how to I’m hoping to revisit other pressing topics. Top of my list: whether the Earth really revolves around the sun and how well witches float.
• Human rights: It’s nothing short of cruel to have “Bring a Child to Work” Day without a corresponding “Bring a Child Home from Work” Day. I’m willing to be flexible though; it doesn’t have to be the same day. (Especially if you scatter food-bowls amongst the heavy machinery.) It doesn’t even need to be the same kid.
• Religious tolerance: Or not.
• Forcing improvements to dismal climate change policy by dangling a carrot that looks like a really big oil pipeline: Because carrots and pipelines are suggestively shaped and “dangle” is fun to say.
• Bulleted lists: Are killing literacy. Ban them immediately.
• Boldface text: Racist.
• Apps: I’ve got plenty of foggy notions just itching to be crowdstormed into the next million-dollar techno doohickey. For example: The current fashion for turning-your-car-into-a-cab has given me a great idea for an app that will tell people precisely where I am during my daily commute. The bus gets pretty packed so for a small fee I will let someone sit on my lap. I’m calling it “Ewww-ber.” Please no heavy backpacks or strong perfumes.
Next week: Not to put too fine a point on things but your readership is the only thing keeping me alive. (My cryogenic chamber and God’s loving grace are just for show.) DO NOT BLOW THIS FOR ME.
*Choose one: fluff walk cast a jaundiced eye upon cuddle console
**And another: puppy legal fees emotional intelligence anger pillow