Vulva lickin’ good

Women simply adore oral sex

For such a fabulous thing it’s got a pretty lousy name — cunnilingus. You can’t even use it as a verb. “Man I cunnilingussed her good.” See?

Never mind. Whatever you call it — muff-diving pearl-diving goin’ for a furburger at the ‘Y’ (there’s no real sexy name for it when you think about it) — we ladies like it a lot. In one study I came across women rated vulva licking above intercourse as their most satisfying sexual activity. Seems the women studied reached orgasm only 25 per cent of the time from intercourse while 81 per cent enjoy dessert after their man eats.

I know one woman who has a deal with her studious man. He gets “book points” every time he orally pleases her. Much like Air Miles she takes off enough times; he gets a free book.

You just know something’s gotta be way fun if it could land you a 30-year jail sentence as it once did in Connecticut. Those puritanical New England party-poopers in Connecticut weren’t the only ones wrecking every girl’s fun. Good old cunnilingus was considered an obscene act for years in many States even between married couples. According to Thy Neighbour’s Wife the classic of contemporary sexual history “in Georgia such a ‘crime against nature’ could lead a practitioner to life imprisonment at hard labour a penalty far more severe than having sex with animals.” We have the ecclesiastical law of the Middle Ages to thank for that attitude. Cunnilingus was considered prurient and non-procreative (as opposed to sex with animals I presume) and therefore wrong. I don’t know about you but prurient and non-procreative are exactly what I’m looking for when it comes to sexual activity. Obviously all those ancient artisans who depicted muff-diving on their rice bowls vases and other artifacts were more my kind of folk.

In fact if I could be anyone in history it just might be the Empress Wu Hu. In The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices (not that I’m saying licking her monkey should be considered an unusual sex practice) it includes a passage about the Empress who ruled during the great Tang Dynasty (AD 700 to AD 900). “The Empress created a peculiar sexual custom designed symbolically to elevate the female and humble the male…. Consequently all governmental officials and visiting dignitaries were obliged by royal decree to pay homage to her Imperial Highness by performing cunnilingus on her. (Perhaps that’s where the expression “Woohoo!” comes from.)

“Old paintings depict the beautiful empress standing and holding her ornate robe open while a high official or kuan is shown kneeling humbly before her and lavishly applying his lips and tongue to her protruding clitoris.” Now that’s how to rule a country!

In case you weren’t getting the point here guys well you know how much you love to get blow jobs? We love to get ’em too (except refrain from blowing in the vagina. Apparently if you blow too hard especially if she’s pregnant you can cause an embolism and that’s not good. In fact according to one source 10 deaths by cunnilingus have occurred in history. What a way to go.)

As far as I’m concerned guys worry way too much about their penises. They should be comparing tongues in the locker room. Before we start an epidemic of tongue envy out there the average tongue is about four inches long and weighs only about two ounces. However it’s got muscle and manoeuvrability — and it never comes too soon. That said much like penises it’s not the meat it’s the motion (and in this case we’re actually telling the truth) and good tongue technique does not go unrewarded.

I know it’s tough when as one frustrated male friend recently said to me “Every one of you is bloody different.”

All right basic rules: Explore the area and move in slowly. Keep tongue movements varied but know when to settle in once in awhile. Some girls like their clit sucked some don’t — ask. Some like long licks some like short flicks some like all of the above in various combinations. Adding fingers and toys can be fun. Slide a vibrator under your tongue and become a human sex toy. When she’s right on the edge do not and I repeat do not stop what you are doing or you might get hurt.

Wanna get fancy? Pick a Letter: Go through the alphabet making the shape of each letter with your tongue on her vagina. The beauty of this is that it allows you to create regular rhythmic motions that vary enough to keep it interesting without making it so different that it breaks her stride. There is nothing magical about the sequence of letters in the alphabet but most of us know it and it’s 26 letters long.

Bon appetit!