Carly Milne survives it all in Sexography
Raise your hand if you knew that April is National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. That’s what I thought. Though it has been recognized in some provinces since as far back as 1988 most of us probably pay more attention to the fact that it’s playoff season. Hey talking about sexual assault is a downer right? Can’t survivors just get over it and move on with their lives? Besides most of them probably did something to ask for it? Or they probably made up or at least exaggerated what happened to them.
Sadly these persisting attitudes towards sexual assault are the very reason why we need to devote a month to remind people of just how prevalent and very real sexual assault is. Unfortunately too many people think that feminists “took back the night” in the early ’90s and we can safely put that whole business on the back burner and focus on less sombre causes.
And it’s true that according to Statistics Canada the number of reported sexual assaults went down about 7.3 per cent between 1998 and 1999 but considering only about six per cent of sexual assaults are even reported to the police that’s hardly uplifting news. A Metropolitan Action Committee on Violence Against Women and Children (METRAC) survey found that 51 per cent of all Canadian women have experienced at least one incident of sexual or physical violence in their lifetime. And contrary to popular belief you are more likely to be assaulted by someone you know than by a stranger lurking in the bushes.
Yes sexual assault is still very much an issue. And if you’re someone who has experienced it know someone who has experienced it or simply want some real insight into the experience you must read Carly Milne’s Sexography a detailed chronicle of one woman’s experience with incest sexual abuse and rape — from victimization to empowerment.
Milne who spent her childhood being shuffled between Edmonton and Calgary found herself wondering why authors rarely chronicle their sexual histories.
“There were always snippets of stories that said things like ‘Carol was raped at 15 and went through therapy to get through it and now she leads a happy sexual life!’ What was her life like before the rape? How did she feel while it was happening? What did she think and feel about her sexuality?”
Milne provides this context and with raw honesty and even humour tells her sexual story. From the awkwardness of the first time she touched a penis: “It was sort of soft but cold. And a little slimy. Kind of like a frozen slug. […] I walked all the way home rubbing my hand on my jeans my jacket anywhere I could to get the penis-feel off of it.”
To first-time disappointment: “I didn’t regret having sex with Cody but wasn’t it supposed to feel… I don’t know earth-shattering? Stupendously amazing? Wasn’t I supposed to dissolve into a quivering mass of tears because I’d just Become a Woman? I still felt the same for him but all I could think about at that moment was whether or not that evening’s rerun of The Arsenio Hall Show was going to be one I’d already taped.”
Milne wrestles with the complex issues surrounding inappropriate sexual behaviour grappling with the subtleties the greyness of it all. The my word against his stuff. The guilt. The self-doubt when your abuser is someone who is supposed to love and protect you. Maybe you did make it up.
Ironically the light went on for Carly during a brief stint reviewing porn when she was handed a video version of Staci Haines’s 1999 book Healing Sex: The Survivor’s Guide to Sex . The film talked about how different people react in different ways to sexual trauma and offered body-mind exercises to once again become fully sexual. Just this year Haines released an updated second edition of her book called Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma and I’d say it’s required reading for anyone who has suffered sexual trauma or abuse. Because it’s not just about surviving it’s about restoring the pleasure associated with sex something that is unfairly stolen by sexual trauma.
In an article by Jenny Block in the April 11 issue of the Huffington Post (huffingtonpost.com) she writes: “I forget sometimes how lucky I am. How lucky I am to have been able to come into my sexuality the way I have without abuse without religious fervour without judgment. But as I am having that thought as I am writing it down I feel sick to my stomach. Why should I feel ‘lucky’ to be in a situation that all women (all people) should be in? Well because I am. That’s the ugly truth about it. And too many women are not so lucky.”
For more info on Carly Milne go to carlymilne.net.
