TAURUS (APRIL 20 — MAY 20) Business’ll soon be bloomin’ like the flowers you favour but it’ll be harder than it seems to cultivate the blossom of your dreams since it means you’ll have to get up off your patootie to procure it. Don’t worry when it comes to B.S. you can endure it!
GEMINI (MAY 21 — JUNE 20) You’re no joker so lay your cards out on the table no matter what you’re hand-holdin’. With Mercury enterin’ your sign now’s the moment of truth so show ’em yours while they show theirs. Don’t worry. Despite all the huffin’ and puffin’ it’s pretty obvious they’re only bluffin’!
CANCER (JUNE 21 — JULY 22) So things aren’t too steady right now. So what? The Earth is wobbling wildly so why shouldn’t everything on its surface be a bit shaky too? It’s like walkin’ through the moving floor room in a funhouse. It takes longer than usual thanks to an awkward stride but you’ll always get to the door on the other side!
LEO (JULY 23 — AUG. 22) You’re quick on the draw with that paw but if you swipe at the wrong cat this week you could get de-clawed. That’d render you pretty much helpless in this concrete jungle. Instead of pouncin’ at first sight prioritize peepin’ your prey instead. Otherwise it may be you who’ll have something to dread!
VIRGO (AUG. 23 — SEPT. 22) This weekend everything’ll be comin’ up roses for the zodiac’s favourite lass. The Moon in your sign’ll be like havin’ lucky horseshoes up your ass and your energy’ll be off the charts. Hopefully you have the smarts to see what happens when you’re happy with yourself even for a while. Go look in the mirror and give you the biggest smile you’ve got then head out this weekend to strike that iron while it’s hot!
LIBRA (SEPT. 23 — OCT. 22) What are you doin’ Libra? You’re actin’ like some snake-in-the-grass yet you’re born under the sign of high class! Why do you feel the need to engage in shady deals to get your meals? Your whole schtick is based on the scales so you shouldn’t have any doubt that things may be tough now but they will even out!
SCORPIO (OCT. 23 — NOV. 21) Some folks think you’re selfish ’cause you’re your No. 1 concern and the rest of the world can burn. But who else’ll look after you? You make your own luck and succeed because of your initiative and hard work. If anyone knows that when you want somethin’ done you gotta do it yourself it’s you. That’s neither selfish nor a lie — it’s just true!
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 — DEC. 21) Don’t bitch about it and don’t blame nobody else neither. Believe it or not what you asked for you totally got. Yeah it means much more work but give up at this point and you look like a jerk. Why be a cosmic-size clown and stop diggin’ when the treasure chest full o’ booty is but a few inches further down?
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 — JAN. 19) Got it all figured out Einstein? Yeah so did Albert. He knew his bright idea solved a long-standing theoretical debate but there was no question it put the world in greater jeopardy than ever before. What’s your stroke of genius gonna do? Put it in more?
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 — FEB. 18) As forward thinkin’ as your sign claims to be you sure seem stuck in the past. Some folks say the devil you know is better than the one you don’t. Uh what difference does it make? The devil is the devil. At least whatever the old one did that annoyed you may not be a problem at all with the new!
PISCES (FEB. 19 — MARCH 20) Enjoy the good life while it’s here this year my dear. What goes up must come down and some jealous jerk out there’ll do their damndest to burst your balloon and send it plummetin’ like a lead fart down to Earth. For what it’s worth it’s hard to blame ’em since you sorta stole it out from under ’em to start with!
ARIES (MARCH 21 — APRIL 19) Love don’t come easy. Just listen to a song sometime it’s what almost all of ’em are about. That’s why every once in a while you gotta be sneaky to get some. All’s fair as they say so pull out the stops short of straight-up stalkin’ and in no time the object of your affection and you will be talkin’!
